Dining Out for Life

If you are in the Denver or Colorado Springs areas and are thinking of dining out sometime soon, I'd like to suggest that you do so tonight and before you go, pick one of the restaurants at which to dine from the link on the image above. By doing so, 25% of your food bill will go directly to help Project Angelheart, a local non-profit organization who's mission includes, "delivering nutritious meals to improve quality of life, at no cost, for those coping with life-threatening illnesses."

About ten years ago, my mom did some work with this organization as they were just gaining some notice in the Denver. She helped design an informational brochure for them and I even got to participate in some of the creative and layout processes! That's how I first knew about this organization.

Fortunately, I am not in need of Project Angel Heart's valuable services because I am not home or bed bound and although we already have friends and family preparing and bringing us meals on a regular basis, we do make our own dinners from time to time. In fact, last night, I came up with a great meal idea, got a simple recipe for cooking chicken breasts, prepped it all and then let Honey take over and cook it all! Yum! Delicious and nutritious! See here what we had last night:

Back to my original point of this post...if you live here, go on out tonight and treat yourself or you and your honey or you and your family to a dinner out on the town! We will be doing so right before seeing and hearing a presentation by Tom Robbins at the Tattered Cover! And while you and yours will be enjoying a tasty meal and a night off from your own kitchen, rest assured that your money will also be going to a great cause! Bon appetit!

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If you would prefer to not contract the dreaded swine flu that's making our country crazy of late, here's a tip: WASH YOUR HANDS! Including but not limited to the following times:

* when you wake up in the morning
* when you arrive at your place of employment
* when you return home from going anywhere (work, outside, shopping, someone else's house, the post office)
* before you eat a meal (whether at home or out on the town)
* after you eat a meal
* after handling food of any kind, animals of any kind, and people of any kind
* before you crawl into bed at night

For over a year now, I've been washing my hands at all of the listed times and I haven't gotten sick once, not even when my Honey has been sniffling, sneezing and coughing around the house with his own cold symptoms. And keep in mind that my white blood cells are often quite low so I'm very susceptible to illnesses.
And maybe stay away from pigs for a while, too! Here's to your good health!

I Heart Chuck Bartowski

...but it's okay cause Pete really likes him too!

And now he knows Kung Fu! Right on!

Mmmm...Beer!

Let me cut right to the chase...
Tom Robbins, one of the best American authors that I've ever read, has seen me through some memorable times in my life. Still Life With Woodpecker helped me kill the seemingly endless and boring hours of manning the front desk of the counseling office during my senior year in High School by guiding my escape deep into the landscape of my pack of Camel cigarettes. I first read Skinny Legs and All while on a dreamy post-graduation vacation my dad took me on through Seattle, Washington; and ever since then, I continued to read it more times than I can count! Jitterbug Perfume came wayyyy out of left field but still, it kept me company at night during my first scary semester away at college. Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates I read and laughed along with right beside my mother as she recovered from yet another of her neck surgeries. Finally, Honey (who is also a fan of his work) and I took turns reading Villa Incognito on the lenai of our sweetest Honeymoon Suite, overlooking the grandeur of Kanapali Beach in Maui (there's still some sand nestled in between the pages). And while I've been sitting here for the past four years (Wild Ducks Flying Backward was more of a travel guide than an actual collection of short stories, in my opnion) impatiently yearning for another hilarious and memorable romp through Robbins' wordsmithing, I now find myself quite content with the fact that he has suddenly written a children's book! About Beer.

For children.

Beer.

This is obviously something only Tom Robbins can get away with!

So he's written this children's book called B is for Beer (naturally) which I have not read because I only just found out about it while reading the Sunday paper this morning. But in reading this in the paper today I also found a great surprise! HE'S COMING TO DENVER THIS WEEK TO PRESENT, READ AND SIGN IT FOR US, HIS EVER-DEVOTED FANS! Don't believe me?! The Tattered Cover Bookstore does not lie!
As the aforementioned Tattered Cover says in the aforehyperlinked link:

Once upon a time (right about now) there was a planet (how about this one?) whose inhabitants consumed thirty-six billion gallons of beer each year (it's a fact, you can Google it). Among those affected, each in his or her own way, by all the bubbles, burps, and foam, was a smart, wide-eyed, adventurous kindergartner named Gracie; her distracted mommy; her insensitive dad; her non-conformist uncle; and a magical, butt-kicking intruder from a world within our world. Populated by the aforementioned characters - and as charming as it may be subversive - B Is for Beer involves readers, young and old, in a surprising, far-reaching investigation into the limits of reality, the transformative powers of children, and, of course, the ultimate meaning of a tall, cold brewski.

Even though I cannot drink it anymore, beer has always been my favorite alcoholic beverage of choice! I've even made a few kegs of this foamy fantasy myself! Speaking of which, my Honey and I are preparing to brew up a batch of my favorite homebrewed ale and then removing the alcohol content from it so that I can drink it, too! Horray!

But I digress..

Since beer is my favorite and Tom Robbins is also a favorite of mine, then it should come as no surprise that my Honey and I will be in line to attend this event on Thursday night! Although we've missed the free 275 tickets the T.C. gave away last week, the good news is that Honey only works about two blocks away from it so as soon as he's off work on Thursday, I'll be there ready and waiting, eager to catch a peek and an earful of this "maverick bestselling author." Horray! If you're in Denver and you, too, are a fan of Mr. Robbins, we would love for you to join us on this adventure! You know how to contact me!

P.S. Yes, he is also the author of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, which had a flim made after it and it flopped beacause the book itself is really no good. Another Roadside Attraction and Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas, while just as good as all the rest, neither have memorable moments in my life associated with them.

P.P.S. Robbins inspires me to be a better writer. After reading just a few sentences of his work, my mind begins racing with ideas of my own and such smooth and detailed language as he uses often spills out of my own hands and onto my papers! Since I have begun exploring the writer skills within me, Tom Robbins's apperance at this time feels fortuitous, to say the least!

Unconditional Love Part II

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers to my previous question. In response to Jacki's question of me: I ask you these questions for a writing project I'm working on.

And now I have another question for you...

Rhetorical questions: Is it just enough to FEEL unconditional love towards another person or do you think such love should be shown/exemplified/expressed to the one you love? I don't necessarily mean that you should say to your dog or spouse or child, "Hey! I love you unconditionally!" But are there other ways to let someone know that you do?

And now for the real, answerable questions for you:
First, do you think it's necessary to let the other one know?
Secondly, how might it be expressed?
Third, is it enough to just silently feel it but not voice or express it to another?

I love hearing/reading all of your thoughts on this subject so please, keep 'em coming! And if you haven't responded yet to the question, it's not too late to jump in!

Unconditional Love

What does it mean?

I looked it up on wikipedia, but I want to know what you all think it means.

Can you please help me understand it better?

Stupid Platelets

No chemo for me today. Platelets were too low. Stupid platelets. I don't even know what they do besides clot my blood but they were at 47 when they need to be at least 100 to get chemo.

But my oncologist knows how I am and how anxious I get when we leave the tumor unattended for more than a week or two. Normally, when I miss my third and final dose of a cycle (which is today), she has me just skip it and wait to start my next cycle in two more weeks. She knows now that I'll probably just bombard her with emails, asking what in the world I can do to boost my platelets on my own, to which, I'm sure, she'd reply, "Nothing." So she is smart to just let me try to start the next cycle next Friday! Until then, Nurse Gari says to "visualize those platelets replenishing in the bone marrow!" Also I'm gonna go look up and learn about this platelet business.

It baffles me how Pete and a couple other people in his department at work "swap" Fridays off and yet even on the ones that he gets off, they're still calling him to put out fires for them. Last Friday he was off because he had swapped with someone earlier in the month I guess. And yet he spent three or four hours on line and on the phone working. The same is happening today. I admire his work ethic and dedication. But a guy can only take so much constant stress, right? I think maybe it's time for him to teach someone on the "other" team how to put out these fires so that they can take care of it in his absence. Because if anybody works his butt off 24-7 at work and at home and whole-heartedly earns a day off here or there...it is most definitely PETE!

I need a nap.

Still Here

Jeez. It's been a week since I last posted?? My deepest apologies to those of you who like to come here every day (more than once!)! Things are still goin' over here. I've been pretty well, but very tired as usual. Being back on Avastin really helps my confidence in the whole chemo regimine I'm on. I get another dose of it today, as a matter of fact! Pete's still crafting our appeal to the insurance company, working with his HR dept, seeking legal council, etc. There's a whooooooole lot of information involved in this crazy appeal and we're getting to the part where things need to be done "just right" in order to get the company to take us seriously. What a mess!

In other news, Pete started his digital photography class and I started my creative writing class at ACC this week. Pete said he had a good time in his class and already has "homework" projects to do before next week's gathering. Now he's got to go out there and take some more pictures! He loves that!
And my class was just what I was hoping it would be. My class has about 20 people in it, of varying ages and stages of writing: one girl is from South America and is still learning to write poetry in English while a man I sat next to will see his first travel adventure novel published next month! I'll be focusing on learning the techniques of writing both a memoir as well as a fictional short story (I've always struggled with the short story so I thought it would serve as a fun challenge for me!). I, too, have homework assignments for the next few days. But I sure am relieved to not have to study hard to get a good grade for a "for-credit" class! It's a bit strange, though, sitting in the same room where I took my Western Civilzation class not too long ago for this non-credit course just for fun!

I am also learning, through counseling, to LET GO of things. Not everything can be under my control and boy am I glad to hear that! It's already been a relief releasing myself from the responsibility of certain hang ups I've had over the years. I am intrigued by how just learning how to breathe deeply, clear my head and LET GO of so many anxieties that I've always carried with me can reduce my tumor pain to nearly nothing! Behold the power of the mind. This was the part I've been missing in my Positive Attitude and affirmations business! It also makes room for H E A L I N G!

Okay enough New Agey talk. I gotta go rustle my grumpy man outta bed so we can enjoy breakfast and head out in the snow for the last dose of this cycle of chemo! HORRAY FOR TWO WEEKS OFF! I'm thinking of working on some of my writing assignments (as long as they're not too personal) through a post or two on here. So keep coming back! I haven't given up blogging, I swear! :)

Hope...again

As I was driving to my appointment with my new therapist, the following Beatles song came on the radio:

Help!
(I need somebody)
Help!
(Not just anybody)
Help!
(You know, I need someone to...)
Heeeellllp!

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now those days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now those days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, wooo.

Yes, I did sing along loudly and with feeling as I maneuvered through traffic. And it made me feel so good! The endorphins were pumping and I could not help but think how fortuitous it was that that particular song came on when it did!

And the new therapist turned out to be GRRRREAT! I dumped it alllllll out on her and even ran 30 minutes over our allotted 1 hour session. But she took it all in with stride, even teared up with me a few times. But when I walked out of her office, I truly felt like she is going to (and had already begun to) help me unravel the past 20 years' worth of anxiety I've mashed in deep within myself so that I can enjoy a much more pleasant and fruitful future! Furthermore, she explained that by releasing so much of this pent up anxiety that I have, it will make room for more natural chemicals like endorphins and such to flow more freely through my body. In turn, that will make my body stronger and better-able to tolerate the chemotherapy treatments. And you know what that means, don't you??? If I can get through complete cycles of chemo in the coming months, it gives the chemo a much better chance to work harder on the tumors! It's a chain reaction sort of thing, you see? And I am so psyched to get started! She's not going to make me sludge through my rocky past but, instead, she's going to help me recondistion myself for a much more stable and enjoyable future! While at the same time, letting me talk candidly with her about certain cancer-related topics that I just cannot talk about with anybody else - I need that outlet, that release. I am so happy to have found her right when I need her! Horray! There is HOPE again!

Back to the Daily Grind

Things pretty much go back to normal after the chaos and trauma of a Houston visit is over. Pete goes back to work and I go back to making sure the couch doesn't get up and run away. I get really bored and lonely sitting here day in and day out, not physically able to do very much. While we were moving back home from Houston in February, I came up with several great (albeit lofty) ideas of things that I can do during my free time at home: sign up for a creative writing class, attend a yoga class across town twice a week, have lunch out of the house with a friend at least once a week, clean out a different room of the house in preparation for moving someday...the list got pretty long. That was all do-able until I got back on the Chemo Wagon. The chemo wears me down but really, it's the Neupogen shots that I take that really get me sluggish and yucky every day.
So I've restructured my list of weekly to-dos into something more feasible for me. That creative writing class starts next Monday evening and meets once a week for two hours for six or eight weeks. That's not too long and not too short and not too demanding. And yet it will hopefully stimmulate my creative mind again and get me writing writing WRITING!
Also, our parents have all swooped in to help out on a regular basis: making and bringing a meal or two over, doing our laundry, teaching me how to make a smoothie for myself (duh! I can't believe I couldn't figure it out on my own!), stitching me more comfortable and fashionable scarves for my head, taking on the responsibility of planting and helping me maintain a vegetable garden this year...the list goes on! Parents are great that way!

Can I just say that grocery store home delivery services totally rock my world and are worth every penny of the $10 service charge?!?! :) I spent three hours on Sunday night (sure, that's a lot of time to be shopping but I was just getting the hang of it for the first time) "grocery shopping" onlnine! I got to pick the specific brands and sizes of the items we want, pick a two hour delivery window within the following week (I chose the next day) and just sign a piece of paper while Mr. Delivery Guy hauls in bag after bag of all our grocery necessities! That was a thrill a minute! I did a little dance, oh yes I did!

I chose to do this grocery delivery thing in order to free up some of Pete's free time after work. He already has a lot to do after work every day to help keep the house running so removing the chore of grocery shopping will surely turn out to be a relief for him!

Also, I am trying to get at least one parental figure from both sides of our family to come visit me once a week. That shouldn't be too much to ask, don't you think, since they're all retired? Yesterday, Mamacita brought over our clean laundry, taught me how to make a smoothie and just sat and visited with me for a couple of hours. It was so lovely and simple! Maybe next week I'll go on over to her house for a late-morning visit myself! And in a couple days I'm going with dad and Carol to pick out some vegetable plants for our gardens.

I'm going to walk every day. It's getting warmer outside - well, mostly it is...not counting the two blizzards we've had in the past 30 days - so walking around the neighborhood with a dog or two should be enjoyable again!

So that's just a little bit of what my days are like now. I've got to keep busy or else I go stir crazy and end up in tears for no good reason! I have learned that the only way to combat loneliness is to ask someone to spend some time with you. It's as simple as that.

I am still experiencing quite a bit of pain in the same ole area of concern. Though I don't really know why. What's the cause? Back in January and February it was easily written off as a result of the radiation treatments causing swelling throughout my liver. That made sense to me. But now that the swelling has supposedly subsided enough to give the docs a good CT image, wouldn't that bring the pain level down with it? One would assume. Dr. Curley says that the liver is probably still swollen and Dr. Kane agrees that "we really don't know how long the swelling will last in this situation." So it's swelling. That's it. That's good, right? It's better than a whole swarm of other nasty alternatives that I've thought up! You betchya!

Tomorrow I will be interviewing a possible new ShrinkyDink. It's daunting to think of starting allllll over with someone new but I've decided that, at this point, it's really not necessary to start from the beginning of everything. I know what I need from her so I'll go in ready to talk about what needs to be discussed in order to get that support. I'll probably end up with more tools to work with than I asked for and that's just a bonus! Mostly I need to learn some new coping mechanisms to get through this incredible *challenge* in my life.

Oh also? I'm trying to schedule in a nap time almost every day. Even if it's just a short 30 minute cat nap, it's good for me. My body is working over time now, especially with these Neupogen shots, so I get very tired very quickly and rather than sleeping until 10:30 every day (I actually get up by 7:00 during the week), I think it's important that I stay somewhat active in the morning and then after lunch, much like my little preschoolers do, I take a wee nap to regain my energy.

Blabitty blah blah blah. I promise I'll come up with much more interesting things to talk about here soon enough! Oh! Did you know that this week is National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week (April 5-11)? I was notified of this fact via my Facebook affiliations and, in turn, I learned about these two great sites that look informational to me: CancerCare and The Group Room. Check them out if you're interested in learning more!

Home-ness

It's so good to be home again! It feels like we were gone forever! The past five days were very heavy and challenging! Now we are back to the same ole routine already. Tomorrow is chemo so let's hope my WBC are way up there and ready to rock (they were still low on Monday morning!).

On our drive home from the airport I started to worry again. Honey took my hand and told me, "We can beat this." And I believed him. Again. Finally.

It's going to take all of my physical and emotional strength and ability but I'm willing to run the gauntlet and become the medical miracle that I say in my affirmations.

The whole "let's have a lunch date every single week" plan fell quickly and crash landed within the second week. Now, instead of that, i'm welcoming anyone to come visit me at home for a couple hours whenever you want and can! Just don't bring any germies over here and be ready to wash those hands frequently, please. I need to cure the weekday loneliness and you can help me do just that!

More in the next couple of days. If you don't hear from me over the whole weekend, there's no need to worry...I will probably just be wiped out from tomorrow's CAKE. :) It's all good.

The Good, the Bad and the Curley

The Good are many:
1. The tumor has not grown.
2. The tumor has not spread to elsewhere in my body.
3. The tumor is NOT closing in on the one remaining vein that runs through my liver (I freak out about this whenever I have sharp pain, but for no supported reason).
4. Pete is still researching clinical trials across the country.

The Bad is simple:
1. There are four new tiny (6-12mm) tumors on the right lobe of my liver.

The Curley is Dr. Wizard again:
1. He answered every question we all asked with clear, precise, and understandable answers.
2. He was patient through my tears.
3. He looked us each in the eyes as we asked and he answered.
4. He said it's possible the radiation isn't done "doing it's thing." Basically, meaning we are still in the window of opportunity for the radiation to still work its magic on that special spot. Pretty much one more month left in that window.
5. He is working on possible alternative treatments for "cholangio" that could possibly be available for clinical trials in two years.
6. When asked if transplantation is truly not an option he agreed with what we've already learned: that most transplant teams don't even consider transplantation when a tumor as large as mine is involved. He then proceeded to tell us of a particular University in the country that tends to be more willing to do so than others. They shall remain nameless for the time being. Pete's looking into it and if anything pans out, I'll let you know.
7. He told me to go home, get back on the chemo I was already on, add Avastin* no matter what, and return in three months for another high resolution CT scan. (Apparently the CT scans at UCH truly aren't as clear and precise as MD Anderson's, otherwise, I think Kane would have seen these new little bastards on last month's scan in Denver).
8. He said I can go home and have another chemoembo done as long as I can stay on my regular chemo cycles before, during and after the procedure (prior to the last two I've had done, Gupta has had me get chemo-free for three or four weeks and then two or three weeks afterwards to allow for a smooth recovery. The way Curley wants it will be extremely challenging for me and my body to tolerate for sure. But I think I can do it. With the right support and assistance from friends and family, I think I can get through it. Now all I have to do is convince Gupta of this!)
9. He wants me to email him with any more questions I or we come up with between now and our next meeting. He is very good at promptly replying to my emails (as long as he's not halfway across the world working his wizardry on some kind of high official or royalty!).
10. When I asked him if he was close to throwing in the towel and giving up hope on me, he answered, straight faced and eye to eye, "I'm harder to get rid of than a tick behind a hound dog's ear!"

If there's one thing I've learned in the past few weeks of worrying, fretting, panicking, sobbing, jumping to irrational conclusions, it's that dealing with life's challenges is all about choice. Your choice. My choice.

I can choose to look at all that news and only see the part about the new tumors and continue the panicking, sobbing, worrying and add in some hopelessness, defeat, and complete pessimism.
On the other hand I can choose to look at all that news and pay close attention to the part about the fact that the bad tumor has not grown, has not metasticized beyond the liver, my liver is still functioning very well, the tumor is not closing in on that strong little vein (I think I should name that lil guy!) and that there are still treatment options available to me. The hard truth is that I have an extremely rare cancer and therefore not a lot of treatments are specifically designed to treat it. So it's up to me (us, really) to seek out alternatives, or close attempts. I don't have liver cancer - I have bile duct cancer and it happens to be inside the liver. In a way it has "metasticized" outside of the bile ducts and on top of the liver but it's hard to distinguish that in such certain terms. Kane keeps saying, "Nothing is definite when dealing with cancer." Anyhoo, my point is, I can choose to focus on the good news rather than the bad news.
And the best news of all, the part that's going to be priceless in getting me through the next three or more months of chemo and all the sloppy side effects is that I have renewed faith in Curley. He doesn't have a magical cure for me. He admits that this is a big challenge. But he's not giving up on me!

I feel hopeful again...mostly. Also still scared to the core of my being. But I've learned how to control the fear recently. And I am choosing to think of today's visit as quite successful. I begged The Powers That May Be for good news today. I prayed to hear that the tumor hasn't spread. I guess I got what I asked for! Next time I'll be more specific and beg...er, pray for the tumor to shrink AND not to spread ANYWHERE! I think I can do that for the next three months of chemo chemo chemo!

The only way out is through, right?