Another Week Gone By

I had a CT scan this morning! OH JOY! Actually, they are getting way easier, the more I do them! I called last night to confirm the fasting deal they usually have me do before these tests and the lady I talked to said I didn't have to fast at all! She said I could eat right up to the time I arrived (an hour before my test) to drink the barium. This was GREAT news to me, since I can't really function without my cereal and coffee in the mornings! And the barium didn't taste very badly at all this time. It was vanilla flavored, maybe that made the difference. And it was room temperature, too. Usually I get 'em cold. Brrr. Anyhoo, I had no trouble gulping it down in one hour. I wore my own gown (the fairies one!) and the technician was super nice and answered all of my random questions ("why does the injected contrast make me feel hot from head to toe?" - because of the molecular iodine within the contrast, which is quite different than the iodine we all associate with the dark color red; "How come I only had to drink one bottle of barium instead of three like I usually do?" - because this is a scan of my abdomen only, really focusing on the liver, the bowels, pancreas...previous scans have been of the abdomen AND other places like either the chest or pelvis, which require more contrast.)

Oh wait. I bet you're all wondering why I even had this CT scan in the first place?! I don't know if I already told you or not. Well, it is way too early to determine HOW WELL the proton radiation treatments worked. So don't go getting all psyched up for that kind of news. No, this one was for my oncologist who wants to (*gulp*) make sure "it hasn't spread anywhere nearby" since we've only been focusing treatments on one particular spot and basically letting the rest of my body hang out in the wind untreated for 2+ months. What a good idea! Now hear this: no matter what she learns from the images next week, I will continue to be treated the same way as I have been this whole time with chemo cycles, possibly another embolization, etc.

And I am considering asking her to NOT tell me the results. What good would it do me if I knew, huh? Especially since the treatment would be the same. She may want to change chemo drugs on me but who knows. Anyway, I'm just considering that option. I don't have a lot of options in this chaotic war I'm involved in...so please allow me to enjoy this small one that I can make on my own. :)

We'll see Kane next Tuesday and begin a cycle of chemo next Friday.

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We now interrupt this cancer update to bring you more important news! The news that REALLY matters! The news that's BIGGER and BETTER than all that cancer crap! No big announcements and really, nothing serious to address...just an update about THE MAJORITY OF THE REST OF ME!
Read on...
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This past week I've been keeping busy. Honey and I developed this new technique to make sure things get done around our house like chores and stuff so that they don't get neglected forever and I end up feeling like I'm nagging him to help me out with some of these tasks. This is especially hard when I have those bad chemo days and can hardly get off the couch. So we've been making to do lists every night for the next day. It's been a little strange but very effective. And I think it makes doing the chores less horrible. Ask me again in a month or two. I might hav a different feeling altogether!

I've also been seeking out creative writing classes, random writing groups in my area, and getting more serious about getting this bad boy blog and my story published! I found such a class that starts in April. A new friend of mine who is persuing a similar goal found a writers group that meets once a month in a nearby book store. And a certain awesome cousin of Pete's put me in contact with an actual real life publisher who gave me some tips on how to get started and what the publishers are looking for these days. Horray! I've been setting all this up so that when I slow down during chemo, all I have to do for a while there is write...no researching and networking as much as I am right now. Just write. :)

Honey and I have also been cleaning out our house. The Great Purge is what I like to call it sometimes. We did this before we moved from Fort Collins and it worked out great! We split the amount of STUFF that we had to move in HALF, if not more so. Just by cleaning out and giving or throwing away much of what we pack rats have accumulated over the years: the drinking glasses that may match my dishes but we never, ever use (not to mention I want to replace the entire set of dishes we currenly have anyway!); the one zillion old towels that we just could not seem to part with when we'd invest in their replacements; a whole bunch of clothes that fall into the category of "it doesn't fit me now but it once did and it will again...someday...not soon but....someday." You get the idea. We all do this from time to time. We're doing this now not only for my own peace of mind but also because we still want to sell this house and move to a newer (not brand new!) house within the next year or two. I tell ya, these Great Purges really help the packing and moving ordeal! We're putting off the basement until...well...just until. Something. Whatever. Oooh Look! Something shiny!!!

Finally, but certainly no less significant, I've been working on strengthening the friendships I already have and beginning new ones, too. I have had some friends in the past (and one who still lingers and haunts me with this BS I'm about to describe here) who are unable to contribute to a healthy friend relationship. Not everyone knows that friendships are TWO WAY STREETS! Both parties in a friendship must GIVE AND TAKE, not just TAKE TAKE TAKE and then, whoops, gotta run GOODBYE! Those kinds of friends I have absolutely no interest in and no room in my life for anymore. Instead, I've been looking at some of the friendships I currently have and nurturing those that are healthy, that already have a nice pattern of give AND take. Plus, I've been fortunate enough to have some new people in my life whom I already consider good friends and they are also very much aware of this give and take deal. The ones who only take take TAKE can just move along and leave me in peace. I have no interest in coddling you any longer. Thankyouverymuch.

And now, since I had to get up way earlier than I normally care to today, I am going to take a nap. A famous rock star from a band that Honey and I both love has a winery and he is selling and signing (in person) his bottles of wine at a nearby Whole Foods this evening and Honey and I are planning on going to get us some of that! *Mint In Box Wine* Ask Pete if you must know what that means.

I hope all of you have a fantastic weekend! Enjoy the weather no matter what it is! TTFN!

I'm Still Here

Whoah it's been a whole week since I last posted! Sorry bout that. Not much is going on, really. We are still unpacking (slowly...slowly...slowly) and cleaning out our rat packed excess in the process so that someday, when we decide to move, it won't be twice as hard to pack. Brilliant.

We saw my onc on Tuesday. She wants to wait two weeks for my liver and subsequent tumors to reduce in swelling from the radiation. Then I'll get a CT scan here at UCH, not to determine how much the radiation worked and shrunk the tumor, rather, to ensure that the tumor has not spread elsewhere in the vacinity. Now, if it HAS spread, there's really not too much cause for concern beause we would treat it no differently than we have been, what with the chemo regimine and such. After that CT scan in two weeks, we'll meet with her to go over what she sees on the images and find out if I feel well enough for chemo. I'm already scheduled to start a new round of chemo on March 6. We go back to Houston for a fancy CT that will be the one used to detemined just how well the proton radiation worked and when we can schedule surgery. We will, of course, meet with Dr. Curley while we're down there for that. But in the meantime, like I said before in a previous post, I don't like to leave this tumor business unattended. I'm afraid that while I'm away, off elsewhere exploring life feeling as good and strong as I am, the tumor might throw a party (while the cat is away, you know the mice will play!) and, dreadfully, multiply! So the babysitter is called in. Chemotherapy the Babysitter. We'll try to fit two cycles before we head to Houston again at the end of March if possible.

There is your medical update for the week. And how am I doing? I feel great! Doc upped my pain medication just a wee bit and that has made all the difference. My pain is now under control again and I usually have more energy to do stuff! Imagine Honey's surprise and delight when he came home late from work the other night only to find me at the stove, making our dinner! He was so psyched! That Taco Salad never tasted so good to me! That was the first time I had cooked a meal by myself in well over a year! GO ME!

Now we have a busy weekend ahead. I'd better go get ready to get to work!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Is it Me or Is it Denial?

Lately, I've been feeling so good, that I've pretty much forgotten I have cancer! I mean, I do have this constant pain where it's always been, despite the daily routine of narcotic pain killers, but I've really gotten so used to it over the past year or so that it rarely fazes me anymore. Sometimes, it gets pretty intense (like when I'm starving or after pushing my body too hard doing chores and stuff) but I just complain a little to sort of get it out of my system and then it's more manageable.

I stopped chemo back in late November, mostly in preparation for my week-long trip in early December to MD Anderson, but then I stayed off it so I could return right before Christmas to start the Proton Radiation therapy. That took its toll on me for sure but now that it's over, both my internal and external "sunburns" are healing, the reflux is back to somewhat normal level and I'm not nearly as tired as I was going through it.

The biggest change, though is that my head is pretty much all clear from the chemo. It feels like chemobrain is a thing of the past! I can think straight, remember stuff if I really focus hard, I'm witty again, generally happy (a lot of that is due to my BFF txting me almost every day all day, helping me not feel so alone!), and not nearly as emotionally sensitive as I had been. It feels like freedom! Like I got out of jail or something! The best way to describe it is that I really feel like ME again! Only better, stronger, more understanding of the world (and its dangers). I still can't watch the explosive, gun-shooting, hard core movies that I used to enjoy. Or anything sad for that matter. I am almost done rereading the Twilight series for the second time and yeah, sometimes that leaves me a little uneasy going to sleep at night but it's not too bad.

So my energy's still pretty limited. I push myself too hard sometimes and then WHOOPS! There's the pain, knocking me on my butt again! But then I sit down, chill a bit and I usually am recharged after a few minutes of resting. My strongest energy is still first thing in the morning (as long as I get up before 9) or last thing at night (almost inappropriately late, which I think drives Pete up the wall!).

There was a time while we were in Houston when I dreaded returning home. I couldn't bear to face the loneliness of Pete going to work every day while I sit at home, doing almost nothing with all this damn spare time I have. We talked about it at length together and I started to better understand what I had been doing: I was setting far too many limits on myself mostly out of complete fear! I couldn't stand getting active in something only to have to call it quits after 15-20 minutes or so. It was (and still is) extremely frustrating to be able to go go go all day on the weekends with Pete and then collapse in pain and discomfort all day on Mondays and, sometimes, Tuesdays. The disappointment in myself was almost unbearable.

So with this clear-er head and stronger body I have now that I am in this holding period between tests and potential treatments, and I can better understand that the only thing holding me back was me a few months ago, I am better able to set new goals for myself and pace myself (but not too much) as I strive to achieve them. They may sound small or silly to some people but here are my important goals for the next month or more:

• Find a local yoga studio and go to yoga classes once or twice a week.
• Follow up those yoga classes by doing yoga and other activities to improve my balance and strength with the WiiFit (thanks Dad and Carol!)
• Make a personal goal to have at least one lunch date with someone once a week. I've already got a plethera of people to choose from, so it certainly won't be the same person every single week! :)
• Drive my own self down to Dad and Carol's once in a while during the week and just hang out with them and their critters (Dobby and Scarlett love it there, too!).
• Look into some sort of creative writing or "how to get published 101" community courses I can take online. These will help me reach my more long-term goal of getting published. I've got lots of ideas of what to do. Just you wait and see!

Alright. That all sounds (reads) great, doesn't it? Yeah, GO ABBEY! RAH RAH RAH! I'm proud to have come up with those goals and I already scheduled it in my crackberry to begin the phone calls and internet research to take the first step towards all of those tomorrow morning. HA!

On a quick side note: We are still living out of boxes! I cannot stand to unpack all of this by myself while Pete's at work. See, as I unpack a box and put things where they go, I am also cleaning out that place where they go and making piles upon piles of stuff to give to friends, family or Goodwill. We'd like to move within the next year or two (staying in the same area) and I've learned from previous experience that it's much easier to do pack up and do that when we've cleaned out a lot of what we've rat packed! So, anyway, it's more fun and much easier when Pete and I do it together. Unfortunately, the love of my life came home with the start of a nasty cold on Friday. (He almost always gets sick after he's gotten through a big period of stress, so I wasn't really surprised.) He's really miserably sick now and none of the cold medicines I force him to take seem to be doing any good! Anyway, he's resting and moaning and the dogs are taking good care of him (they're letting me help, of course!). Needless to say, sick people cannot unpack boxes! So we've put that task on hold a few more days. I'll start unpacking at least one box a day this coming week.

Alright, back to my original topic. I had a point to all of this, I swear. It's coming up soon!

Okay, not to make light of it all but I do feel good. I feel healthy and I feel like a new and improved ME again! Sometimes, during treatments, I would have a random day or two when I felt really good and stronger than usual. It was on those days that I would "pretend that I don't have cancer." We wouldn't talk about it, I wouldn't complain of pain (even if I felt it), I'd get involved in all kinds of every day things. It was fun. But now that I'm feeling this good this consistantly, it's been very easy (almost too easy) to pretend that I don't have cancer! It's been fun, really! It's been like this for about two weeks and I'm loving it!

It does make it difficult to maintain this fantasy world when distant family members or friends call up just to check up on us. I know they call and ask because they care so much about us. I get that and I am so very greatful for it! Love is one of the biggest things that is going to cure me of this disease! I know that so keep it coming! But it really hurts when, without their actual intention to do this, people will call to check on us or chat and the only thing they have to talk to ME about is cancer. Rather, all they want to talk to me about is "when is the next test?" "how are you feeling?" "when do you see your doctor next?" "now what does this doctor do for you?" "when will we know if the radiation worked or not?" "aren't you back on chemo yet?" that sort of thing. Please, don't think I am ungreatful but also, try to remember that I am WAY more than this cancer! Sure, before I set those goals I just told you about, I didn't have a whole lot of interesting things to talk about from day to day. But I do now since I'm feeling so clear and ABLE. Ask me about my animals, what I got for Christmas, what Pete and I were going to do for Valentine's day, what's my plans for the next couple weeks? What are my thoughts on the stimulus bill? and Don't I think that the woman who had all those 8 babies in California a couple weeks ago is a little bit crazy but it's totally nobody's business but her own so the media and everyone else should just get the heck out of her buisness and let her live her life?????

Sure, I know that I am just as capable as bringing those things up myself and redirecting the conversation on my own. Sometimes I do that. And now that I've typed all this up and gotten some of the frustration out of my system, I can see now that it really is going to be my responsibility to do that. People don't know the right thing to do all the time. I totally get that. And I certainly don't expect everyone to read my mind and know what I want from them! I try very hard to not play that game with my husband, I can certainly do it with everyone else who loves me!

It's strange that I'm writing (typing) this down here on my blog for all to read. From this side of the keyboard, I really feel like I'm just writing it to myself in a journal of some kind. I forget that in a minute, it'll be out there for all ya'll to see and take in and consider and be affected by my thoughts here. So i'll take this moment right here to assure you I did not intend to write this to be passive agressive about it. Nor did I write this for all to read but aiming at a select few people to really listen up and take the hint. That's just crazy to expect that through the blogosphere! Please please please understand that's not my intention here. I am just venting, getting it out of my system, being HONEST. I'm definitely not accusing any one of my beloved readers of only talking about this cancer when they talk, write, or otherwise communicate with me because most of you rarely even address that subject and I thank you deeply for that!

And so now, I will go about my minute, my afternoon, my day pretnding that I don't have cancer! it feels good and it feels right and I do not think that it's any sort of unhealthy denial! In fact, I'm fairly certain that my oncologist would tell me that of course I should think this way most of the time. That I shouldn't let the cancer define me, or take over so much of my life. And she's totally right! Although, believe me, it is easier said than done when I'm sacked out on the sofa after another honkin dose of chemo drugs, trying to figure out why I feel motivated to do something as simple as empty the dishwasher but I can't for the life of me muster up enough physical energy to walk over there and do it. That day may come again and that's alright by me. But thankfully they are few and far between and I think now I know how to handle those other, more energetic days by keeping myself involved in things other than THIS CANCER.

(has anyone noticed that I've been refraining from saying "my cancer"?? --not you, Mags! We already talked about this!:P -- As far as I'm concerned, this is not "my cancer." It's just cancer that I guess my liver is borrowing from the universe and now I, my docs, and all of the people who love and support me are left to kick it's butt and get it far far away from me!)

I see my oncologist on Tuesday just to check in and update her about the treatments in Houston. I've asked her if I can do a cycle or two of chemo before going back for the CT scan but she wants to see me and make sure I'm feeling well enough to do so. I just don't like leaving this tumor unattended, so to speak, for so many weeks as I wait for my test and report to come. We'll see what she says and what we decide is the next step during this waiting process.

Thanks for reading! And I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day and a spectacular weekend!!!! :)

Hang on a Tick

Uhhh....Wait a second.

What happened to the 70* temperature outside? You mean it's not summertime everywhere?!?!?!

*sigh*

Our forecast for the next few days includes snow and high temperatures in the low 30's.
I let Scarlett out at 8:30 this morning and she stepped out onto the porch, flinched as only a dog can, whipped right back around and darted back into the house. She made a bee-line to the sofa where she and Dobby have been curled up among pillows and blankets ever since.

Put away the capris and pull out the long johns.

I kinda miss Houston right now!

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig Jig!

We left Houston later than we'd hoped but all crammed into our car and little UHaul trailer Monday afternoon. We stopped just outside of the city to purchase and install a Thule Cargo Trunk on the roof to give us (and the dogs and cats) more room in the back of the car. Then it was back on the road for the longest of our three-day strech. At 10:30pm, after an 8 hour drive up through Texas and half of Oklahoma, we ended up collapsing in a rather nice room in Oklahoma City!

Tuesday we were back on the road bright and......well, after a late breakfast at IHOP so, it was more like noon. A six hour drive lay ahead of us. We didn't know until Wednesday morning that, by some miracle, we had outrun a deadly span of tornados that struck most of the Eastern half of Texas and Oklahoma! We didn't see any rain or experience any high winds or overhear anyone talking of the impending storm! We had no idea what had happened until we saw a map on the news this morning! OMG! Tuesday evening we stopped in Hays, Kansas at the more reasonable hour of 5pm-ish. There, we spent another comfortable night in a muuuuuch cheaper hotel.

This morning (Wednesday) we headed out for the final 360 miles (approx.) of our trip.

Words cannot express the thrill we both felt upon our first glimpse of our beautiful Rocky Mountains! THAT is when we knew we were (almost) home!


We would both like to thank my dad and Carol for getting me a new XM Radio for Christmas! We'd also like to thank the folks at XM Radio such as Dr. Laura, Rollye James, and, our long-time favorite, George Nory on Coast to Coast AM for guiding us through the past 20+ hours on the highways and byways of the mid-U.S.! If it weren't for them, we would've lost our minds many, many miles ago!

Upon our arrival to our house, we were so happy to find little surprises inside! Pete's parents, Frank and Carolyn, had cleaned things up while we were away! And when I say "cleaned things up" I mean that SERIOUSLY! The piles of Stuff we had previously rat-packed house had been moved to more appropriate places, picked up off the floors and packed into plastic see-thru tubs, and generally straightened up all around! It is so much more welcoming to return to a home that's cleaner and more organized than we had left it! Also, they had called us a few days ago to ask us what our favorite cereals are and what kind of milk we usually drink. As we finished our tour of our organized house, we discovered boxes of our favorite cereals on the counter, a fresh gallon of milk in the fridge, and a pan of lasagne, sourdough bread, salad and all the fixings ready to be heated up for our enjoyment! It will all certainly get us through the next 24 hours as we stumble through boxes and bags of the chaos we've brought home! Thank you, Frank and Carolyn, for all of your unexpected hard work around here!

Apparently, there was a leak in some of the pipes in our basement while we were gone. Each of our parents located, tightened, cleaned up and attempted to temporarily repair the leak long enough for us to get home to fully assess and fix it for good. Thanks to all of you for tending to the problem and doing what you could to save the stuff we store down there. The cats especially thank you for taking care of their litter boxes. Meow.

Thank you to Lindsay, too, for stopping by regularly to feed the fish, water the plants, and all the other things you did for us! And thank you, Maggie for keeping me company through the wonders of text messaging yesterday and today -- it felt like you were riding right along with us!

Now it's night time and we're thankful to be home home HOME! As I type this, Nala, Ariel, Scarlett, Dobby, Honey and I are all settling into our sofa and our recliner and counting the minutes until we get to crawl into our dreamily comfortable bed! Brudder is still camping out at GrandpaDave's tonight so we'll get him back home here in the next day or two.

It's great to be home again!

I Wish I'd Said That!

I love it when he says:
"If you're at a party and you see Michael Phelps smokin' a bong and your first thought isn't 'Wow, I get to party with Michael Phelps!' and instead you take a picture and sell it to the tabloids, you should take a long look in the mirror cause YOU'RE A DICK! I mean, really!!!!"

No doubt! What's the big deal!?

My Proton Playlist & Graduation

This hangs high above the fountain that's down on the basement-level waiting area for patients and their families.
Can you see the crane?
The ring beneath the crane sculpture has MD Anderson's slogan on it:
MAKING CANCER HISTORY

My ears are wide open almost all the time. I'll be in a store, thinking about my mom, and all of a sudden a grossly "muzack'ed" version of a Jimmy Buffett song will be playing overhead. Or I'll be driving around town, thinking of a random memory of Honey and me during our courtship and one of "our songs" will start playing on the radio. This happens ALL THE TIME for me. So I always keep my ears open. It's almost like I have this long-running private soundtrack to my life!

When I first entered the proton radiation treatment room (called Gantry #2) back in December, and I first saw that ginmormous sci-fi rotating wall, it should come as no surprise that the first thing I thought of was Pink Floyd's song, "Welcome to the Machine."

After a series of different mechanical, buzzing and digital sounds, a guitar begins strumming and these lyrics are sung:

Welcome my son
Welcome to the machine
Where have you been?
It's alright we know where you've been
You've been in the pipeline
Filling in time
Provided with toys and scouting for boys
You bought a guitar to punish your ma
You didn't like school
And you know you're nobody's fool
So welcome to the Machine.

Really, this doesn't do the song justice. If you have access to it, listen to it for a minute. All those sounds within the music is the best way to describe the Proton Radiation Machine!

As I lie (lay?) there, day after day, on what the techs referred to as the "couch" but what I referred to as the "slab," I'd listen to whatever music they happened to have playing on their little stereo in the room. After about a week, I realized that they were playing the same CD over and over again. I'd hear the same handful of songs every single day! It wasn't boring at all...I didn't get sick of the songs. In fact, I found comfort in them and I just knew that from that moment on, I would forever associate those particular songs with my experiences here in Houston these past two months! They weren't particularly meaningful songs. While I tried to find a deeper meaning or attachment between the treatment and the lyrics in those songs, I really could not. Sure, a couple of them like, "No Woman No Cry" and "Imagine" sort of made sense, what with the challenge of having to endure the treatments and their uncomfortable and often painful side effects.

Imagine
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

No Woman No Cry
No woman no cry,
No woman no cry,
Please little darlin, don't shed no tears.
No woman no cry.
Everything is gonna be alright.
(Repeat about 10 times)

Being an avid music fan, after a couple more weeks, I asked one of my favorite techs if I could borrow the CD to rip the songs onto my computer, thus helping me take my mind back to this time in my life whenever I want! I thought it was a single, handmade CD. As it turned out, though, she handed me a set of two professionally produced CDs in a compilation called something like "Songs of the Millenium." I was surprised that although these were two full length CD's with about 15 songs on each disc, somehow I ended up hearing the same 5-7 songs every day I was there - no matter if my scheduled time was in the morning or in the evening! It was so strange! I mentioned it to the techs and they just explained that they put the first CD in in the morning, play it through, and when it ended they'd put the second one in and repeat this process all day long. But how did I just happen to be timed with those specific songs all the time? I mean, for three weeks I was going in at 8am. Then I changed to 5pm. But my evening appointments never took me back at the same time. I'd go back there at 6:30, 6:45, 7:15...one night I didn't get back there until after 8:00pm! And yet I still heard those same songs!

So I brought it home, ripped the songs and returned the CDs back the next day. A couple of days later, a fluke occurred: I heard a different handful of the songs on that same CD set! And these songs were meaningful! I was so thrilled, it was all I could do to refrain from wiggling my feet in the little contraption they had holding my feet in place! I wasn't allowed to move even a millimeter throughout each treatment. I even got in trouble once for wiggling my fingers to the beat of a song even though my arms were raised high above my head and locked in place by this other contraption that had been molded to fit my arms in that position! Anyway, I was psyched that those songs meaned more to me than the others had. Unfortunately, the next day and throughout the remainder of my treatments there the music selection reverted back to that same original grouping, the order of which I had already begun to memorize!

The night of my graduation I didn't expect much. Over the past 5.5 weeks, we have witnessed several people graduate. They brought TONS of food; party platters full of meat, cheeses, breads and condiments; boxes of cookies and cupcakes; bags of donuts or kolaches; one time I even saw a casserole dish with something homemade in it! Again, we felt out of place, what with me being the only patient older than 10 but younger than 60. Ya'll know how Pete and I are social butterflies but we never really felt like part of the group in that big but comfortable waiting area.

So we never partook of these graduation goodies. When I graduated we brought a bag full of gummy candies in the shapes of various body parts which we had found before Halloween! We brought them for the staff since they'd appreciate them the most! (As did the nurses that tended to me during my post-chemoembolization stay at Halloween!)
In addition to the treats, previous graduates would have what seemed like dozens of the other patients and their S.O.'s and several nurses, doctors and technicians gathered around them as they said a little speech of gratitude, camereas flashed and the gong was banged. It was a big deal!

Like I said, Honey and I hadn't bonded with anyone there in the lobby area where all the patients waited to be called back and then the significant others of the patients waited while the treatments were administered. We never participated in the group effort at completing one of the two puzzles they seemed to work on every week. Instead, we'd find a comfy spot, sit next to each other and read our books or played our Sudoku. Sure, we exchanged pleasantries with those around us almost every day. We'd smile and nod our heads in our daily greetings. But nothing more. There was noone left in the waiting or dressing areas when it was my turn to graduate and Dad and Carol had already flown home the day before. It certainly wasn't going to be a big crowd at my gong-banging, so why was I so nervous!?!

My appointment was at 5ish and there was only one set of "wait-ers" in the lobby and they just happened to belong to the lady who got treatments right before me in the same Gantry. When she was done and came out of the mysterious doors to the Gantries, they all left, of course. So Pete came back with me and took some snapshots of my last trip on the slab!

I had made friends with a couple of the technicians (I could never remember if they were called "technicians" or "nurses" or "therapists" or what! My bad!) that worked with me since they were about my age or even a bit younger. We all joked around and they congratulated me on my graduation. They got me up on the slab and prepared me for my last proton radiation treatment.

But here's where keeping my ears open and alert at all times came in handy that night...

As I was lying there, closing my eyes and enjoying the experience of the slab moving up and down and side to side, watching the Xray parts of the Machine come in and out of the rotating wall behind me and trying desperately not to think about "what if this doesn't work at all" I listened carefully to the music that played in the background.

They had the second CD of that same set in that night. And this time, it was on shuffle. Here is what I heard during my final 20 minutes on the slab:

Start Me Up - Rolling Stones
I walk smooth, ride in a mean, mean machine
Start it up
If you start it up
Kick on the starter give it all you got, you got, you got!

Let's Dance - David Bowie
Lets dance, put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Lets dance, to the song theyre playin on the radio
Lets sway, you could look into my eyes
Lets sway, under the moonlight, this serious moonlight
(yes I sometimes visualized that The Machine and I were doing a dance!)

Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz
I have come to save the day
And I won't leave until I'm done
So that's why we've got to try
We've got to breathe and have some fun
Though I'm not paid I play this game
And I won't stop until I'm done
(But what I really want to know is)
Are you gonna go my way

Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
She says weve got to hold on to what we've got
Cause it doesnt make a difference if we make it or not
We've got each other and thats a lot
For love - well give it a shot
Whooah, were half way there
Livin on a prayer
Take my hand and well make it, I swear
Livin on a prayer

We Are the Champions - Queen
I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes,
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I've come through
We are the champions, my friends
And well keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers cause we are the champions of the world
Ive taken my bows
And my curtain calls
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it
I thank you all
But its been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race
And I aint gonna lose!

Those are just portions of lyrics of each song (except the Queen one, I think that's basically all of them!). It's incredible how well they matched my experience and how I was feeling! I was eccstatic by all of this, I found it hard to stay still on that slab!

One beam administered...change appetures...second beam administered...change appetures. As they left the room before the third and final beam was administered to me, they turned up the stereo as they walked out (for safety reasons I am the only one in the room when the beam comes at me) and they hollered, "ONE MORE! HORRAY!" over the loudspeaker. The song that was playing on the stereo? Wonderwall by Oasis. Here's a bit of the song:

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Pretty cool huh? Want to know what's even cooler? I've heard that song lots of times (maybe too much!) on the radio when it was popular several years ago. I never knew what "wonderwall" meant. So I just now looked it up on wikipedia.com and learned that it's the title of a 1968 movie. Here's wiki's summary of the plot:

The story of the film revolves around the reclusive, eccentric scientist Oscar Collins (MacGowran), whose next-door neighbours are a pop photographer (Quarrier) and his girlfriend/model (Birkin), named Penny Lane. Discovering a beam of light streaming through a hole in the wall between them, Collins follows the light and spots Penny modelling for a photo shoot. Intrigued, he begins to make more holes, as days go by and they do more photo sessions. Oscar gradually becomes infatuated with the girl, and feels a part of the couple's lives, even forsaking work to observe them. When they quarrel and the couple split, Penny takes an overdose of pills and passes out, but Oscar comes to her rescue.

That beam of light part is pretty ironic I think! Anyway the lyrics are what struck me as super significant. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't think the technicians planned it that way. Whenever I'd mention a song that I'd just heard during treatments over the past few weeks, they'd respond sort of dumbfounded as if they weren't paying attention to the music at all. I bet it's like at any other job where you just sort of drown out the music since you hear it day in and day out. But I heard it and it sure meant something to me!

After it was all done, the techs signed little farewell notes on the large chunks of plastic/vinyl/fiberglass pieces that were used to guide the proton beam into the tumor.

If you want to know what these are and why they are cut out into the shapes that they are, ask Pete. He'll give you a better explanation than I ever could! Just leave your question for him in the comments section.

We joked some more about the music I heard every day. Honey took pictures with his professional-looking camera. My godmother Deborah was there as was Judy...the lady who Deborah knows who works at MD Anderson. The same lady who got me in to see Curley within a matter of hours without ever even meeting me! I asked Deborah to invite her and I was thrilled that she showed up for the gong banging! I got an official certificate of completion with a big fat gold star on it!

And then I banged the ritualistic gong they have in the hallway for just such an occassion.

I gave no speech. Words cannot express how grateful I am for this experience. What I really wanted to do was march back there to the room behind the Gantry where the GUTS of The Machine are and formally thank IT for saving my life!


This is what's behind the giant rotating wall behind my head while I'm on the aforementioned slab. Want a better idea just how big this thing is? Look carefully at the image above on the right side. See the electrical outlet just to the (your) right of that white square? That's just your run-of-the-mill, regular-sized outlet (about the size of my hand). This thing is HAAA-UGE!

This is the top of the gantry in the previous picture.


Colorful mechanics that help manipulate and guide the proton beam - which is no larger than the diameter of a #2 pencil.

So there you go. That was graduation in a nutshell.

What's that? Are you asking yourself, "What in the world does it say on her t-shirt?" Well, first of all, I dressed "down" because that's how everybody dresses at the Proton Center. It's never a place for fancy clothes. Unless you think thread-bare, blueish-gray hospital gowns are fancy. Okay and now here's what my shirt says: "I )HEART( LIFE - It's worth the FIGHT!"

You bet your sweet bippy it is!

Graduation overview

Oh man. Graduation was AWESOME! I started blogging it in my head as I was going through my last procedure and banging that gong too! I've got material to get out on this computer and pictures to share with you too. But I just spent over and hour writing long emails and my fingers hurt. So it will have to wait a little while. I'll try again tonight or first thing tomorrow. Promise.

Stay tuned!

And thank you to every single one of you for the birthday and graduation well wishes! You are so sweet! :)

Day of Birth

Today is mine.
Yep.
Most of you knew that already. Sorry I'm so late in letting the rest of you know it!

I'm having a wonderful birthday here in Houston!

Dad and Carol have been here visiting since Thursday and last night they took us out to dinner at a great Greek restaurant (who knew I'd love Greek food so much?!). Then this morning, Carol made a big, yummy breakfast for me out of lots of leftovers in the fridge. That was great because it helps us clean out stuff for our move back home next week! After breakfast we all went to the Positive Mental Attitude Gazebo and took several alternating group pictures of each other! Also, I left a white candle burning with an amethyst underneath it and Carol's green support bracelet at a small, indiscriminate altar-type thing in the gazebo. To which I said a silent prayer.

Now Dad and Carol have left for the airport to head home and Honey and I are just chilling out the rest of the afternoon! We might go out to dinner since, of course, there will be no wait anywhere because of some football event that's going on. But I'm still stuffed from Carol's birthday breakfast! Tee hee.

Tomorrow night I graduate from the Proton Radiation Center! We're having a small ceremony in which I get to ring a symbolic gong there at the center, I think I get a fancy certificate and maybe another celebratory dinner! Woo hoo! Every day should be a celebration like this! ...then again, it is rather exhausting. *YAWWWWN*

Oh happy, happy day!