Unleash

I just got an email from a dear long-time friend, in which she says, "You have a lot of strength and determination to unleash." I needed that reminder today, I really did. And that was the first time I've had the word "unleash" used in this context. It makes me think of that scene in Lord of the Rings (Fellowship of the Ring) when Gandalf is struggling to hold on tight to the crumbling stone bridge in the Mines of Moriah, all of a sudden, from the firey depths below, the Balrog (was it his tail? and arm? some other strange appendage?) reaches up almost gracefully and, like a whip, grabs a tight hold on Gandalf and yanks him down into the hellish abyss. The action of the Balrog right at that moment is what I think of when I read the word "unleash."

Sure, it's a greusome scene and although you don't actually see the full body or even the face of the Balrog, you can just tell by the scene from which he reaches up for Gandalf, that it is a terrible and powerful creature...so much so that not even Gandalf can keep him at bay (at least not at this part of the story!). One might think I've got it backwards; that the Balrog would represent the tumor and Gandalf stands for me. That would make perfect sense on the surface. But dig deeper and you can see how I see it. If I am to be the stronger one, the one with such power, conviction and might that I can defeat anything (again, even Gandalf the Gray), wouldn't I then choose to play the role of the Balrog in this scene? It's unfortunate to think of Gandalf as the cancerous tumor but just humor me for a moment as I do... Gandalf is powerful, too, with his unfathomable sorcery and strength, especially for such a lanky old man. Nobody knows, really, how he does it but he has been able to fight off many dangers in his unusually long life. Isn't that sort of like this tumor? It shrank a little in the begining but lately, no matter how much I drown it in the poison that is chemotherapy, it seems almost impenetrable and incredibly strong.

With all that said, of course I choose to be the more powerful one, the Balrog from the deep, because deep down within me, in the abyss who's floor not even I can imagine, I have the power to unleash upon this Gandalfian tumor and destroy it. Please, let's not go any further with the story in this scenario - we can only pretend that Gandalf's the bad guy (tumor) here for just so long! And most of you know the true fate of Gandalf the Gray (or is it White?).

All of this pondering, pretending and yammering has brought me to this simple point that I wanted to make in the first place: I have some really fantastic friends in my world.

I want to thank every one of you for being my friend. I feel your prayers and thoughts among me and they give me strength. Those of you who are local and have brough meals by and stayed for even a short visit have CURED the virtually endless loneliness that I once felt! Some others of you send cards with simple notes just reminding me that you love me or to just give me something to chuckle at. And the rest of you send me thoughts and, sometimes, emails just so I know that you're out there thinking of me and pulling along with me through this long and arduous journey.

Early on in this journey, I began referring to all my treatments, appointments and challenges in the third person. Instead of saying, "I have an appointment," I'd say, "We have an appointment." Etc. etc. You get the picture. I did this in an attempt to convince myself that when Pete says, "I'm right here with you every step of the way. You are not alone." he really, truly means it. And it has worked, believe me!

And I just want to let you all know that I know that you're right here with us, too! Not only pulling and praying, advocating and supporting, but you're fighting and worrying right along with us. Sometimes we forget but often times we remember that you're here with us in spirit, one way or another. And together we'll all get through this.

Now, a brief but meaningful message to my liver: COME ON, BUDDY!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOU CAN PUSH IT AWAY SO THAT WE CAN REALLY HELP YOU GET RID OF THAT INTRUDER!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!