It's Coming, the Fear - Despite the Makeup Mask

Tomorrow's the day we see Dr. Curley. My fear has been quite low since we've been here, thanks to multiple distractions, lots of sleep and some helpful prescriptions that keeps the fear at bay. The blood draw was fine (I stood out in the hallway instead of the scary overly-filled waiting room of all those sick-looking people), Xray was easy (I got to help some new patients figure out how things work back in the dressing/waiting rooms and explained to them that the opening always goes to the back!), and the barium-chug and CT scan was even no big deal. I felt separated from it all. Like it wasn't me who was actually there doing it. Well, I knew it was me who was there going through the motions but I just didn't get myself way too involved in the procceses so as to keep from being too fearful. Whatever I did, it worked.
Today I mostly slept. Pete and Carol went out and about to shop for a couple of necessities while I snoozed the day away in the comfy bed that feels like a cloud! Tonight we met Bill and Auntie Deborah at a great pizza place here in town and just got back to the hotel from a wonderful visit with them!

What I neglected to bring up throughout this afternoon's happenings is how the fear is creeping up on me. I know there's nothing I can do about the outcome now...at least, no more than I could have done ever before even! And I'm thankful we worked through each step of this trip with my therapist in analyzing my fluctuating anxiety levels and what to do about them.

But the one thing we neglected to address was what to do AFTER we get WHATEVER news from Curley!!!! Is that when it'll be safe to exahle and maybe take another new breath? Am I supposed to immediately get on line and on the phone to let everyone know that new status of this tumor before even I have had a chance to absorb it? We'll have checked out of our hotel room, I know that already, so running back to the fluffy bed only to curl up in a pitiful ball for a few hours of good old fashioned self-pity is not an option! Fortunately, we're heading to the airport at 2ish to make our 5ish flight (have to return car, etc).

Besides all that and all this fancy talk....

I'm f*ing scared about what he's going to say to me.

"Well, nothing's changed in these three months."
or
"Well, I didn't see what I wanted to see on the images. There are new tumors in there."
or
"Well, you're S.O.L. so why don't you just go on home now?"

OMG. What am I to do?!?

I know this panic is temporary and actually it's under control with what all I've learned in therapy over the years (and especially the last couple of months with Barbara). I know everyone's praying for me and sending me good thoughts and I got an email from my oncologist in Denver saying that she'll never give up on me and that there are always different options to pursue back at home (which I often forget).

Regardless...

I'm shaking inside. I want to crawl into a ball in bed and not pack and not worry but just lie there and sleep or cry or zone out on my DS or anything.

Just make it over already. All this anticipation is too much for me. Let's just get it out there and move on.

Just don't give up on me, doctors. Please don't ever say I'm out of options!