The Good, the Bad and the Curley

The Good are many:
1. The tumor has not grown.
2. The tumor has not spread to elsewhere in my body.
3. The tumor is NOT closing in on the one remaining vein that runs through my liver (I freak out about this whenever I have sharp pain, but for no supported reason).
4. Pete is still researching clinical trials across the country.

The Bad is simple:
1. There are four new tiny (6-12mm) tumors on the right lobe of my liver.

The Curley is Dr. Wizard again:
1. He answered every question we all asked with clear, precise, and understandable answers.
2. He was patient through my tears.
3. He looked us each in the eyes as we asked and he answered.
4. He said it's possible the radiation isn't done "doing it's thing." Basically, meaning we are still in the window of opportunity for the radiation to still work its magic on that special spot. Pretty much one more month left in that window.
5. He is working on possible alternative treatments for "cholangio" that could possibly be available for clinical trials in two years.
6. When asked if transplantation is truly not an option he agreed with what we've already learned: that most transplant teams don't even consider transplantation when a tumor as large as mine is involved. He then proceeded to tell us of a particular University in the country that tends to be more willing to do so than others. They shall remain nameless for the time being. Pete's looking into it and if anything pans out, I'll let you know.
7. He told me to go home, get back on the chemo I was already on, add Avastin* no matter what, and return in three months for another high resolution CT scan. (Apparently the CT scans at UCH truly aren't as clear and precise as MD Anderson's, otherwise, I think Kane would have seen these new little bastards on last month's scan in Denver).
8. He said I can go home and have another chemoembo done as long as I can stay on my regular chemo cycles before, during and after the procedure (prior to the last two I've had done, Gupta has had me get chemo-free for three or four weeks and then two or three weeks afterwards to allow for a smooth recovery. The way Curley wants it will be extremely challenging for me and my body to tolerate for sure. But I think I can do it. With the right support and assistance from friends and family, I think I can get through it. Now all I have to do is convince Gupta of this!)
9. He wants me to email him with any more questions I or we come up with between now and our next meeting. He is very good at promptly replying to my emails (as long as he's not halfway across the world working his wizardry on some kind of high official or royalty!).
10. When I asked him if he was close to throwing in the towel and giving up hope on me, he answered, straight faced and eye to eye, "I'm harder to get rid of than a tick behind a hound dog's ear!"

If there's one thing I've learned in the past few weeks of worrying, fretting, panicking, sobbing, jumping to irrational conclusions, it's that dealing with life's challenges is all about choice. Your choice. My choice.

I can choose to look at all that news and only see the part about the new tumors and continue the panicking, sobbing, worrying and add in some hopelessness, defeat, and complete pessimism.
On the other hand I can choose to look at all that news and pay close attention to the part about the fact that the bad tumor has not grown, has not metasticized beyond the liver, my liver is still functioning very well, the tumor is not closing in on that strong little vein (I think I should name that lil guy!) and that there are still treatment options available to me. The hard truth is that I have an extremely rare cancer and therefore not a lot of treatments are specifically designed to treat it. So it's up to me (us, really) to seek out alternatives, or close attempts. I don't have liver cancer - I have bile duct cancer and it happens to be inside the liver. In a way it has "metasticized" outside of the bile ducts and on top of the liver but it's hard to distinguish that in such certain terms. Kane keeps saying, "Nothing is definite when dealing with cancer." Anyhoo, my point is, I can choose to focus on the good news rather than the bad news.
And the best news of all, the part that's going to be priceless in getting me through the next three or more months of chemo and all the sloppy side effects is that I have renewed faith in Curley. He doesn't have a magical cure for me. He admits that this is a big challenge. But he's not giving up on me!

I feel hopeful again...mostly. Also still scared to the core of my being. But I've learned how to control the fear recently. And I am choosing to think of today's visit as quite successful. I begged The Powers That May Be for good news today. I prayed to hear that the tumor hasn't spread. I guess I got what I asked for! Next time I'll be more specific and beg...er, pray for the tumor to shrink AND not to spread ANYWHERE! I think I can do that for the next three months of chemo chemo chemo!

The only way out is through, right?