The flip side

Tuesday's "Bad Day" turned out to be just that...just one bad day. It passed and the past couple days since have been much better!

Now that I'm back on "the juice" it has been taking its toll on me this week. I'm tired, run down, no appetite, after I do eat (only because I'm supposed to) I feel nauseated, achy back and hips (thank you, Neupogen), etc etc. Plus I was pretty moody earlier this week. I'd like to sincerely apologize to anyone reading this who I may have offended in the process.

I feel infected again. Not sick, just...not "normal" like I had been these past couple of months. My liver has been hurting quite a bit but I know it's just mad because of the chemo that's flooding it and fighting off the tumor on top. When it hurts like that, I mentally (sometimes verbally) say to it stuff like, "Yeah! You don't like that do you?! Not comfortable, huh? Well you'd better just pick up and move on, Mr. Tumor, cause it's not going to get any more comfortable for you around this body, thankyouverymuch." That's right. I talk smack to my tumor. The aforementioned apology to those I may have offended earlier this week does NOT apply to Mr. Tumor! Not one bit. I am not sorry. Stupid tumor.

Yesterday morning I saw this story on the Today show about a little girl who had SIX of her organs temporarily removed in order for a surgeon (a liver transplantation surgeon, as a matter of fact) to cut out a dangerously-located tumor from her body. The organs were put on ice while the surgeon cut out the tumor and constructed a new stomach for her out of her own bodily tissues and then put the organs back into her and stitched her back up. The surgery took 24 hours. The girl is now thriving and smiling and back on her feet! I WANT TO BE THAT LITTLE GIRL!

In the midst of that story, when the reporter was introducing the surgeon and his awesome skills, they briefly mentioned an older woman who had what had been previously determined as an unresectable tumor in her gut actually removed by this incredible doctor and now she is cancer free! I WANT TO BE THAT OLD WOMAN!

His name is Dr. Kato and you can click here for a peek at (what I call) his "mad skills" in saving lives.

After seeing this and frantically scribbling down notes, including the doc's name and location (New York), I promptly decided that instead of fearing and dreading this upcoming appointment I have at MD Anderson at the end of the month to see how well (or if) the proton radiation did at shrinking my tumor so that Dr. Curley can cut it out, I'm going to go in there already expecting to get a brand spanking sparkling new FIFTH (or is this sixth???) OPINION from Dr. Kato!

Curley let me down the last time I saw him. Yeah, it's great that he got me lined up to receieve the magical proton radiation treatments and for that I will always be grateful. But his attitude towards me and this tumor in early December was almost as hopeless as I had heard from the oncology surgeon in Denver last spring. When Curley said to me, "Frankly, if this radiation doesn't work then there's really not more we can do," the bottom of my faith in him dropped out. Many people assure me that he didn't mean he was giving up on me. Instead, they say, he was just saying that radiation treatment on the liver is just a one time thing - it's far too toxic for the liver to withstand more than the 28 radiation treatments that I got in one lifetime. That makes perfect sense to me and sure, maybe that's what he meant. I've even gone so far as to excuse that brush off attitude from him on he was just having a bad day and unfortunately I got the resulting attitude from that bad day. But that doesn't mean I'm going to settle for his opinion, even if it was just a bad day. This is my LIFE we are talking about, here. I will NOT SETTLE for ANYTHING!

I do still believe Curley's and Kane's and Gupta's and everyone else's medical-degree-backed assessment that I've only got one working artery left in my liver and it is that artery that needs to be salvaged in order to cut out the tumor. I get that. No problem. I don't doubt for a second that that's true. But I think there's got to be some other way to snip snip carefully around that area to remove the tumor and save the artery.

So, I'm enlisting my Research and Education Team again to look more into this Dr. Kato and possibly line me up with an appointment with him. I am willing to go through a whole new battery of tests, should he request that of me, just so I can get his opinion. And if he gives me the big thumbs down on taking this monster out of me, then I'll just go get me yet another (SEVENTH???) opinion. Someone, somewhere has to be confident enough in their skills as a surgeon to be able to defy all these odds with me! It's just a matter of me (and my team) seeking him or her out and shaking his or her hand.

Instead of fear, I choose power. Instead of dread, I choose knowledge. Instead of panic and worry and desperation and loss, I choose determination and education and motivation and empowerment. Even on my bad days to come (and trust me, there will be more...EVERYONE has bad days!), I will remember and feel this in my heart. And I ask all of you, my amazing, incredible, fabulous, and (surprisingly) ever-growing support system of friends and family to back me up on this and turn your prayers now to this new, or, rather, enhanced direction. I will not succumb and I will not settle. I deserve only the best. Just like that little girl and that older lady on TV.

And, like my favorite affirmation hanging on the wall says, "I am a medical miracle" afterall!