Fear is innevitable

I am terrified today.

This afternoon we meet with my doctor to go over the results of last week's CT scan. I didn't think it would be this big of a deal to me but ever since I climbed onto that CT bench and went through the donut, I can't stop repeating her (doc's) words in my head, "I want to see if it has spread anywhere else." This phrase means a lot more to me than it may to all of you.

To me it means that I may have neglected the rest of my body just for the sake of getting that proton radiation done in Houston. Sure sure, hopefully it helped stop the growth of the tumor in that one particular spot. And I'm not entirely sure but I *think* since the appetures and plastic block thingies with those big cut-outs look like the outline to this tumor, that the radiation wasn't just hitting ONE particular site, but the entire surface of the tumor. Sure, it targeted its beam more deeply into that one special area but I'm hoping, though I don't know for sure if, it encapsulated the entire tumor surface while it was at it. Surely it did. Surely we didn't all just ignore the rest of the tumor just for one little part of it, right?

I think I should've had chemo while I was getting those radiation treatments. And if we find out today that the tumor has spread, then I believe it is my fault for not making sure the chemo continued even though I was in another state for two months.

This is also what binds me up inside and scares the crap out of me.

I already know you can't go back in time and change your decisions. Of course I know that...I forgot to "freeze my eggs," or whatever.

But if it has spread...then I feel pretty doomed.

One place is pretty bad. Two places is the worst. To me it means the end.

I am t.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d.
Several people tell me not to worry about it, don't think about it, there's nothing you can do to control the outcome at this point. I know they mean well, I really do. But this is my life we're talking about. If it were your life, how likely would it be that you wouldn't think about it almost constantly and fear fear fear the outcome? How can I not? What the hell else is there for me to do about it???

Yeah, there are lots of spaces of time these past few days when I really forgot all about it. That was good. Honey even stayed to work from home today just so I could have his energy around me which always helps me feel safe. But right now it's creeping up on me and scaring me.

If the news is not good, I'm not sure what I'll do this afternoon besides cry for a few hours before figuring out the next step.

If the news is good then I want to go celebrate and put it far far away out of my mind.

Fear sucks.
I'm going to walk the dogs.
They say that's good for anxiety. And only about a zillion other things, too.