Is it Me or Is it Denial?

Lately, I've been feeling so good, that I've pretty much forgotten I have cancer! I mean, I do have this constant pain where it's always been, despite the daily routine of narcotic pain killers, but I've really gotten so used to it over the past year or so that it rarely fazes me anymore. Sometimes, it gets pretty intense (like when I'm starving or after pushing my body too hard doing chores and stuff) but I just complain a little to sort of get it out of my system and then it's more manageable.

I stopped chemo back in late November, mostly in preparation for my week-long trip in early December to MD Anderson, but then I stayed off it so I could return right before Christmas to start the Proton Radiation therapy. That took its toll on me for sure but now that it's over, both my internal and external "sunburns" are healing, the reflux is back to somewhat normal level and I'm not nearly as tired as I was going through it.

The biggest change, though is that my head is pretty much all clear from the chemo. It feels like chemobrain is a thing of the past! I can think straight, remember stuff if I really focus hard, I'm witty again, generally happy (a lot of that is due to my BFF txting me almost every day all day, helping me not feel so alone!), and not nearly as emotionally sensitive as I had been. It feels like freedom! Like I got out of jail or something! The best way to describe it is that I really feel like ME again! Only better, stronger, more understanding of the world (and its dangers). I still can't watch the explosive, gun-shooting, hard core movies that I used to enjoy. Or anything sad for that matter. I am almost done rereading the Twilight series for the second time and yeah, sometimes that leaves me a little uneasy going to sleep at night but it's not too bad.

So my energy's still pretty limited. I push myself too hard sometimes and then WHOOPS! There's the pain, knocking me on my butt again! But then I sit down, chill a bit and I usually am recharged after a few minutes of resting. My strongest energy is still first thing in the morning (as long as I get up before 9) or last thing at night (almost inappropriately late, which I think drives Pete up the wall!).

There was a time while we were in Houston when I dreaded returning home. I couldn't bear to face the loneliness of Pete going to work every day while I sit at home, doing almost nothing with all this damn spare time I have. We talked about it at length together and I started to better understand what I had been doing: I was setting far too many limits on myself mostly out of complete fear! I couldn't stand getting active in something only to have to call it quits after 15-20 minutes or so. It was (and still is) extremely frustrating to be able to go go go all day on the weekends with Pete and then collapse in pain and discomfort all day on Mondays and, sometimes, Tuesdays. The disappointment in myself was almost unbearable.

So with this clear-er head and stronger body I have now that I am in this holding period between tests and potential treatments, and I can better understand that the only thing holding me back was me a few months ago, I am better able to set new goals for myself and pace myself (but not too much) as I strive to achieve them. They may sound small or silly to some people but here are my important goals for the next month or more:

• Find a local yoga studio and go to yoga classes once or twice a week.
• Follow up those yoga classes by doing yoga and other activities to improve my balance and strength with the WiiFit (thanks Dad and Carol!)
• Make a personal goal to have at least one lunch date with someone once a week. I've already got a plethera of people to choose from, so it certainly won't be the same person every single week! :)
• Drive my own self down to Dad and Carol's once in a while during the week and just hang out with them and their critters (Dobby and Scarlett love it there, too!).
• Look into some sort of creative writing or "how to get published 101" community courses I can take online. These will help me reach my more long-term goal of getting published. I've got lots of ideas of what to do. Just you wait and see!

Alright. That all sounds (reads) great, doesn't it? Yeah, GO ABBEY! RAH RAH RAH! I'm proud to have come up with those goals and I already scheduled it in my crackberry to begin the phone calls and internet research to take the first step towards all of those tomorrow morning. HA!

On a quick side note: We are still living out of boxes! I cannot stand to unpack all of this by myself while Pete's at work. See, as I unpack a box and put things where they go, I am also cleaning out that place where they go and making piles upon piles of stuff to give to friends, family or Goodwill. We'd like to move within the next year or two (staying in the same area) and I've learned from previous experience that it's much easier to do pack up and do that when we've cleaned out a lot of what we've rat packed! So, anyway, it's more fun and much easier when Pete and I do it together. Unfortunately, the love of my life came home with the start of a nasty cold on Friday. (He almost always gets sick after he's gotten through a big period of stress, so I wasn't really surprised.) He's really miserably sick now and none of the cold medicines I force him to take seem to be doing any good! Anyway, he's resting and moaning and the dogs are taking good care of him (they're letting me help, of course!). Needless to say, sick people cannot unpack boxes! So we've put that task on hold a few more days. I'll start unpacking at least one box a day this coming week.

Alright, back to my original topic. I had a point to all of this, I swear. It's coming up soon!

Okay, not to make light of it all but I do feel good. I feel healthy and I feel like a new and improved ME again! Sometimes, during treatments, I would have a random day or two when I felt really good and stronger than usual. It was on those days that I would "pretend that I don't have cancer." We wouldn't talk about it, I wouldn't complain of pain (even if I felt it), I'd get involved in all kinds of every day things. It was fun. But now that I'm feeling this good this consistantly, it's been very easy (almost too easy) to pretend that I don't have cancer! It's been fun, really! It's been like this for about two weeks and I'm loving it!

It does make it difficult to maintain this fantasy world when distant family members or friends call up just to check up on us. I know they call and ask because they care so much about us. I get that and I am so very greatful for it! Love is one of the biggest things that is going to cure me of this disease! I know that so keep it coming! But it really hurts when, without their actual intention to do this, people will call to check on us or chat and the only thing they have to talk to ME about is cancer. Rather, all they want to talk to me about is "when is the next test?" "how are you feeling?" "when do you see your doctor next?" "now what does this doctor do for you?" "when will we know if the radiation worked or not?" "aren't you back on chemo yet?" that sort of thing. Please, don't think I am ungreatful but also, try to remember that I am WAY more than this cancer! Sure, before I set those goals I just told you about, I didn't have a whole lot of interesting things to talk about from day to day. But I do now since I'm feeling so clear and ABLE. Ask me about my animals, what I got for Christmas, what Pete and I were going to do for Valentine's day, what's my plans for the next couple weeks? What are my thoughts on the stimulus bill? and Don't I think that the woman who had all those 8 babies in California a couple weeks ago is a little bit crazy but it's totally nobody's business but her own so the media and everyone else should just get the heck out of her buisness and let her live her life?????

Sure, I know that I am just as capable as bringing those things up myself and redirecting the conversation on my own. Sometimes I do that. And now that I've typed all this up and gotten some of the frustration out of my system, I can see now that it really is going to be my responsibility to do that. People don't know the right thing to do all the time. I totally get that. And I certainly don't expect everyone to read my mind and know what I want from them! I try very hard to not play that game with my husband, I can certainly do it with everyone else who loves me!

It's strange that I'm writing (typing) this down here on my blog for all to read. From this side of the keyboard, I really feel like I'm just writing it to myself in a journal of some kind. I forget that in a minute, it'll be out there for all ya'll to see and take in and consider and be affected by my thoughts here. So i'll take this moment right here to assure you I did not intend to write this to be passive agressive about it. Nor did I write this for all to read but aiming at a select few people to really listen up and take the hint. That's just crazy to expect that through the blogosphere! Please please please understand that's not my intention here. I am just venting, getting it out of my system, being HONEST. I'm definitely not accusing any one of my beloved readers of only talking about this cancer when they talk, write, or otherwise communicate with me because most of you rarely even address that subject and I thank you deeply for that!

And so now, I will go about my minute, my afternoon, my day pretnding that I don't have cancer! it feels good and it feels right and I do not think that it's any sort of unhealthy denial! In fact, I'm fairly certain that my oncologist would tell me that of course I should think this way most of the time. That I shouldn't let the cancer define me, or take over so much of my life. And she's totally right! Although, believe me, it is easier said than done when I'm sacked out on the sofa after another honkin dose of chemo drugs, trying to figure out why I feel motivated to do something as simple as empty the dishwasher but I can't for the life of me muster up enough physical energy to walk over there and do it. That day may come again and that's alright by me. But thankfully they are few and far between and I think now I know how to handle those other, more energetic days by keeping myself involved in things other than THIS CANCER.

(has anyone noticed that I've been refraining from saying "my cancer"?? --not you, Mags! We already talked about this!:P -- As far as I'm concerned, this is not "my cancer." It's just cancer that I guess my liver is borrowing from the universe and now I, my docs, and all of the people who love and support me are left to kick it's butt and get it far far away from me!)

I see my oncologist on Tuesday just to check in and update her about the treatments in Houston. I've asked her if I can do a cycle or two of chemo before going back for the CT scan but she wants to see me and make sure I'm feeling well enough to do so. I just don't like leaving this tumor unattended, so to speak, for so many weeks as I wait for my test and report to come. We'll see what she says and what we decide is the next step during this waiting process.

Thanks for reading! And I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day and a spectacular weekend!!!! :)