short update...and I mean that!

I am currently making my infamously overly flavorful Chex Mix that Honey and I both love! I haven't made it in two years because it was something my mom and I used to always do together this time of year (actually, earlier but I'm a little behind this year)! She taught me how to make it gooooood!

Last night we saw Slumdog Millionaire with my godmother Deborah who lives down here. WHAT AN INCREDIBLE FILM! It's hard to watch at first, very filthy, cruel and a little bloody but then that calms down a bit and gets to the depth of the story. I can't even begin to tell you what it's about so go follow that link. And go see the movie! It's totally worth the $10!

Finally a sunny warm day in Houston today! Hopefully it will stick around a while! I was getting really tired of rain rain rain!

BAD BUSINESS!!!

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT DO BUSINESS WITH THIS COMPANY:

I placed an order on December 4th and did not receive the order. I emailed them two weeks ago, asking where my order was. I got no response. I called on Tuesday to ask again and the rep I spoke to told me, "you have to wait 13 days to ask about this order and today's the 13th day so you have to call back tomorrow." That made no sense to me but I took her advice and waited. I called back today (since I haven't had time earlier this week) and a different rep told me that the previous rep I spoke to "assumed" that I didn't want the order and more so she cancelled it and issued me a refund check which is in the mail now. WTF?!?

That angered me beyond belief. That, plus, the customer service reps that put these kinds of notes in their system are not required to put their names on the notes therefore not taking responsibility for their actions as representatives for the company.

My mom taught me how to deal with these sorts of problems without losing my head. Believe me the managers of the company will be reading a detailed complaint in an email from me shortly and I've promised them that I'd spread the word to my dog-owning friends never to do business with them! It's too bad because they do have some cool things and at reasonable prices but their customer service is beyond terrible and I will not stand for it. So help me out here. Don't even browse around on that link! Thank you.

What It's Like

The other day, Maggie txt'ed me, asking about my side effects and what the radiation is like. I thought that was a good question that I'd like to try to answer. So Honey took some pictures and I successfully blurred out the brand names of everything (like the techs asked us to) to share with you here!

If you can biggify this picture, you can read the fine print on the sign next to me. You can click on the image to give you the regular bigger size, then save it on your computer and use whatever photo or image viewing software you may have in order to zoom in on the text in the sign. Otherwise, I'll give you here what it says on the top:

Imagine a 190-ton, cancer-killing machine that can zap a patient's tumor with sub-millimeter precision while sparing healthy tissues around the tumor and causing very few, if any, side effects. In its most simple terms, that's proton therapy.

And from the MD Anderson Proton Therapy Center's FAQ site, here are two very important questions and answers:

How do proton beams destroy cancer cells?
When protons interact with electrons in the atoms of cancer cells, they impart energy to the electrons, causing them to leave the atom and undergo a series of interactions (ionizing events) that result in damage to the DNA of the cancer cell. Damaging the DNA destroys specific cell functions, which include the ability to divide or proliferate. A cancer cell's ability to repair molecular injury is frequently inferior to that of cells in normal tissues. As a result, cancer cells accumulate permanent damage and subsequent cell death occurs. As the cell dies, so does the tumor.

How does proton therapy differ from traditional radiation therapy?
Traditional radiation therapy affects everything in its path, so doctors have to limit the dose delivered to the tumor in order to minimize damage to surrounding healthy tissue. With proton therapy, however, the beam is accelerated to specific energies that determine how deeply in the body protons will deposit their maximum energy. Protons enter the body with a low dose of radiation, which increases when the beam slows down within the designated target tumor and then protons stop. The combined effect is greater precision in targeting the tumor with a more potent dose of radiation.

Click on that link above to see all the other questions and answers on that page. It's full of a lot more scientific information than I can offer you here. In the meantime, allow me to share with you a couple snapshots Honey got of The Machine and me preparing to get a dose:

Here's what it looks like from afar as you enter the room. (Click on all pictures to get a bigger and better view of each one.)









This one here gives a little more detail of where I am positioned on the table.


These things are interesting: the top whitish one is made of a special fiberglass-type material, while the bottom two pieces are made out of brass. The whitish one has a 3-D outline of the specific area of my tumor that is to be treated while the brass ones have 2-D cutouts of it. These go in the Proton machine to guide the protons directly to the specific site on my tumor that is to be treated. The Machine comes at me from three different angles, therefore, there are three different sets of these blocks for each. I haven't yet asked (but I intend to) why the techs and nurses use gloves when inserting and removing these blocks from The Machine. I can tell that they are each very heavy but I wonder if they're hot or cold, too? I'll have to get back to you on that.

These are two of the four techs and nurses who get me situated and help run the machine. I'm still learning their names (chemo brain lingers still).

Here I am lying in the thing. That blue bit above me is where my head is resting and it's actually a mold made of my head and my arms raised above my head that was made the Friday before we left Houston earlier this month. It is to hold me in basically the same position every time. And I am not to move my torso at all during each session (easier said than done). Have you ever tried to cough whilst lying flat on your back without moving your torso? It's just great that I have phlemy allergy attacks every morning! And my arms usually fall asleep while they're hanging out there above my head in that mold. Fortunately, there's also a handle-bar type thing that I grip onto but still, they tingle and fall asleep every time!

Finally, see the whole thing turning? It's hard to tell from this picture but really, the metal table on which I am lying only moves up and down while that big deal in the wall actually rotates around me. It's very cool!

So there you have it. That's where I spend about an hour of my mornings every business day of the week! And then once a week I grab the shuttle over to the main campus of MD Anderson to visit with my radiation oncologist, Dr. D we shall call him here. He's nice and to the point and was fantastic in working like the speed of light to get my case on the desk of the guy who runs the PTC and help get me approved all the way through! Thanks Dr. D! And Honey told the nurses and techs that I see each day that these pictures were going on my blog and "if they are good" they, too, may be mentioned on the blog! Once I remember all their names I'll get right on that!

As for side effects...the only ones I've had so far is slight nausea from time to time; intense, throbbing pain in the area of my tumor that's being treated (I think this is actually the tumor falling apart!); and extreme tiredness every day after treatment (I need an hour or two -long nap each day and then I'm right as rain for a few more hours). I am also involved in a research study at the hospital (it's also part of the University of Texas) regarding the side effects of Proton Radiation Therapy because it's so very new, they don't really know what to tell patients to expect as far as typical side effects. I'm here to help!

Any other questions? :) Ask away!

Merry Christmas!

Both of us Honeys wish you all a very Merry Christmas and that you enjoy the day with family and friends alike! And no more treatment for me until Monday! Horray!

Ugh

Proton Radiation Therapy makes me very very sleeeeepy......ZZZZzzzzZZZzzzzzZzZz

I hope I don't sleep through Christmas! Somebody wake me when Santa gets here!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my beloved Honey!!!!

We are celebrating with protons and Chick Fil'et at MD Anderson! Horray!

Just kidding. We may go out to eat tonight but I'm pretty tired from the treatments. (I can feel the tumor getting beat up by the radiation already!) So maybe this weekend instead. I'm making him some brownies now and showering him with gifts later this afternoon! Lucky boy!

He is working on this, his Bday. He hauled some computer equiptment down here that his boss suggested he not live without (like a 24" monitor and a giant laser printer!) so after setting it all up Sunday night, he emailed his cohorts, saying, "The Houston office is up and running!" I just wonder when they want him to troubleshoot a problem, will they email him by saying, "Houston, we have a problem!" LOL I crack myself up!

Time Travel

**PLEASE NOTE: I wrote the following post on Monday but for some reason it got lost on its way to being actually posted on the blog! So I'm resending it now. Pretend it's Monday the 22nd!**

I think I've stepped into the future here. Our apartment complex is lovely and full of fancy amenities and the Proton Radiation Therapy Center can only be described as "startrekky."

So our apartment complex has a 24-7 Fitness center, a concierge (who can get you passes for the shuttle, hold your packages for you, and I don't know what else yet), and a Cyber Cafe. All attached. As in part of the building. Honey and I were just out walking the dogs along this great path between two of the buildings in the freezing wind and I thought, Man I could really go for a hot chocolate right about now. When we were nearing the end of the pathway, heading towards the mailboxes inside to check our mail, I saw the Cyber Cafe to the right. I didn't think it would be open for some reason. But our "fobs" let us in without a problem. There is a machine in there that brews two different kinds of Starbucks coffee in two different sized cups and hot cocoa to boot! ALL FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just grab a cup, stick it under the machine nozzle, press go and voila! Steaming hot cocoa just as you wished not five minutes earlier! HEAVEN!

Unfortunately, we still haven't received any mail. I requested a temporary change of address through the post office before we left and I did receive that confirmation letter here from said post office. But today there was no mail. No forwarded or anything. I'm starting to get worried. Will talk to the leasing office about that tomorrow -- maybe they can help out. Plus, I've asked my dad to send us something to both our Littleton and Houston addresses to see if either arrive.

Now for the Proton Therapy Center story. Talk about FUTURISTIC! It's a brand new building with a huge glass entryway, and a large sweeping open staircase with a glass bannister so you can look down to the "basement." Fanciest basement I ever saw! I checked in up top, after signing in and saying hello to the security guard, got my blood drawn (weekly now) by a nice lady and was thoroughly complimented on my new Hello Kitty pants. Then I walked down the sweeping staircase, feeling a little bit like Scarlett O'Hara (not to be confused with our dog!) and ended up in a large, open waiting room. Soon a nurse came out and showed me around to the dressing room and such which were behind another set of glass doors. Then I was delivered back to Honey in the waiting room.

Eventually another nurse came to retrieve me, had me change into a gown* in the dressing area and took me to the treatment room where I met five other very nice women, all technicians or nurses of one sort or another. I must say now that it was very nice having a room full of women, especially when I had to take my gown off my torso, completely exposing my abdomen and chest!

I lay down on this metal bench that has a sort of customized blue "pillow" thing, that had been shaped to my head and arms, which I held up above my head throughout the process. This bench was situated directly in the middle of a huge round indentation in the wall.(Check out the picture all the way to the right) The only thing I can compare it to is the Stargate from the movie of the same name. Today I needed several Xrays done prior to the treatment itself so I was there extra long. First these machines came out of the center of the rounded wall area and moved around above me for a while, apparently taking several Xrays. Later, another machine came up from the side quite close to my body and "spun" around me. This was not a fast "spinning" by any means and when I say "spun," I mean a part of the actual wall TURNED, gently moving the proton machine around my body, targeting the specific areas indicated on my body by tiny dot tattoos. (I asked for a heart, a butterfly and a fairy but they all look like moles!) The whole thing was very trippy, as my mom would say. Actually, I'm pretty sure my mom would not have been able to stand that experience. Personally, I thought it was pretty damn cool and I am still honored to get to use it!

Oh, and did I tell you? We found out last week that our insurance company is going to cover 90%-100% of these proton radiation treatments! HORRAY!!!! And we're still working on them to give me that Avastin drug.

So, back to the proton radiation...they changed my daily appointment from 2pm to 9am. At first I was upset because I am not a morning person in the slightest. But when i got there and they explained to me that in the morning they use "the large snout" on the machine for the little children and me and then they have to manually change to "the small snout" for the older patients. Eventually, upon seeing the machine myself, I understood what the snout was. But upon explaination I did not but I accepted it anyway because it sounded so cool and I'd much rather be lumped in with the kiddos than with the "older people." Believe me, everyone else in that waiting room were definately "older" than me!

That's it in a nutshell. I really can't explain it any better. But it is very futuristic and feels like I'm on the Starship Enterprize or Millenium Falcon. It's a good thing I like SciFi movies and can appreciate it for what it's worth!

*CALLING ALL SEAMSTRESSES!!! I NEED MORE GOWNS!!!! I have to wear a gown every day of treatment. Sure, they have the old boring grey hospital ones you see all the time but c'mon, this is ME we're talking about! I gotta stand out, right?! The two gowns I have already from my Auntie and my Carol are awesome but I can't wear the same ones every day, five days a week, can I??? So, if you can sew and want to whip me up one or two gowns, please click here and follow the instructions for a gown...or just make up your own if you like! No need for openings for a port or PICC line this time. Maybe eventually I'll have another port but not while I'm here in Houston for the next two months or so. I already have one in a light purple background with various fairies all over it and another that's black background with lots of Mary Engelbreight designs on it. I found cute fabrics at WalMart. Please, just stick to simple 100% cotton and do not add any metal. Make it easy to release from the back so that I can slip my arms out and expose my abdomen to The Machine. :) Email me for more info.

Home, ______ Home - Guest Post!

Hey all - It's Maggie! I'm so honored to be a guest writer here. A little birdy told me that Mr. and Mrs. Honey and all their furry kids made it to their new (temporary) home in Houston yesterday!

I don't have details on the final leg of their trip, but the important thing is that they made it.

As I type, I imagine Abbey resting in her new bed with her pets all cozy and snuggling around her. I picture Pete slowly putting things away while jamming to tunes through his earphones. I imagine them on a second (and top?) floor corner apartment - cozy with warm colors and a large patio balcony. I picture the apartment bare and naked - perhaps cold, but already warming with relief and hope.

Laying on the hearth of their new fireplace, are their coats - the pockets filled with all kinds of things... from breath mints to reminders. From pill bottles to a thumb drive. They'll pick up these heavy coats today, when they get around to it, and venture into their new neighborhood, perhaps meeting the folks who live below.

I imagine that perhaps tonight, Pete and Abbey will enjoy a quiet dinner, sitting criss-cross-applesauce on their "new" bed - talking about all the crazy parts of their trip "home." Pete and Abbey are funny, and so I imagine every part of their conversation to include some silly reference to an inside joke that none of us are in on.

Their things will slowly unpack themselves, as they get used. Abbey's laptop will come out of hibernation, and Pete's crackberry will start singing beeps and dings, as they start to come back around to their virtual world.


In my imagination, this is the calm before the storm. The two of them are getting ready for treatment. For white lab coats. For busy schedules. They're getting ready for homesickness, for physical exhaustion. For lab tests, results, news.... For emotional and mental exercises ... workouts in their faith that everything will settle down one day. That someday they'll remember these days and be thankful it's in the past. Their family will grow. Their dreams will be lived out. This disease, this illness, these trials, the storm, this *cancer* - will be OVER.

Now, I don't really know what it's like there in Houston. I don't know what their apartment is like. I don't know what their schedules are like for the next few days. I don't really even know what they're feeling ... relief? pain? excitement? hope? annoyance? anger? frustration? exhaustion? dramatic? adventure? calm? release? I have no idea.

...But, their daily lives do live in my imagination. And I like to imagine that we, the interwebz, are there with them - with an "I got your back" attitude that goes so well with those boxing gloves down there.

While it's been fun fighting with you all for Pete and Abbey, let's get this over with already! Do I hear an amen?

Fort Worth

Tired. of. Travelling.

We made it another 400 miles (give or take) today from Amarillo to Fort Worth. The cats were more noisy today but once I took Honey's advice and covered their kennel completely with a blanket, they quieted down and went to sleep. As we entered Fort Worth, we were stuck in Friday evening rush hour traffic and the Girls woke up and started meeeeeeeowing again. Our nerves were about shot when we finally got to the hotel! The dogs were great, again. Except that Scarlett prefers to be curled up in my lap than stuck in the back seat with all the other critters. And of course I give in most of the time. She is, after all, the Princess.

As we were just walking the dogs around the perimeter of the hotel, we heard and then spotted a teeeeeny tiny little kitten howling and meowing. We'd approach him but he'd take off like a shot behind the bushes and AC units. I went back in to our room, grabbed the Girls' food and went back out to tempt him. He came as close as the other side of the bushes to me but everytime I'd fidget to try to get comfortable, he'd run away again. Only to return and repeat the taunting process. I gave up after only a few minutes. I guess I don't have the patience for that. I left him three piles of food in different places near his hideout/track. I'll check in the morning to see if the food is gone. But really, the last thing we need is another animal (albeit very small) in the car for the remaining 4 hours of the drive!

Not sure why my feet hurt from being in the car all day. I keep forgetting to take my shoes off while I'm in there. I slept a lot of the way today so that was nice. Honey loves to drive.

We've seen a couple of serious accidents along our way so far. But there is so little traffic on the highways and byways we are on that we can't really figure out how these accidents happened.
These always freak me out and I try not to even look but sometimes curiosity gets the best of me and I just can't help it. But then I'm stuck with the smashed-car images for a long time. Ugh.

I must admit, last night I felt a bit shell shocked from our last night in a hotel in Houston last week. Remember the domestic violence situation? While Honey was out of the room for a while and I was getting settled in, I started hearing this incessant beeping sound which reminded me sooooo much of that beeping I heard last week. I listened carefully through both walls on either side of our room and on the door but couldn't hear the beeping any clearer that way. Finally, as I opened our suitcase to pull my jammers out, I spotted Honey's very old but very favorite alarm clock thrown in at the last minute, beeping away. The beeping sound was coming from the backup battery slot. So I yanked out the battery and the beeping stopped. Talk about freaky!!! Then our neighbors had their TV on very loudly until about 2am. That, with the very uncomfortable bed caused me to only get about 3 hours of disturbed sleep last night. Although tonight's hotel is of the same chain as last nights, and isn't in as good of shape as last nights, I think the bed may be more comfortable. I'm so tired I probably won't even notice either way!

Got a call today from one of the doctors involved in my treatment. It's like my radiation doctor's assistant...resident or attending? I don't know which is which but the guy under my radiation doc called me today to tell me that the proton radiation machine has been broken down for a couple days and nobody else has been getting their treatment for that time. He's not entirely sure if it will be fixed by my 2:00pm appointment on Monday but he assured me "they" are working on it and hope to have it fixed ASAP. Being an oncology doctor, he has been well-trained in the art of being vague and not making any promises or even speculating an end date for anything! In the end I think he elluded to the idea that it may be fixed by the end of next week (even though it's Christmas, people's lives are depending on it, ya know?). I really wasn't that bothered by this information. It gives me another day or two to unpack and get settled in our new digs, instead of having to rush and do all that on Sunday and Monday morning before my first treatment. He's going to call me Monday morning to let me know the status of the machine. Either way I'm fine.

Only problem is these pieces of tape the technician used to mark where my new tattoo dots are (so that they know where to aim the radiation at) are coming loose and getting grubby. One fell off last night. It's hard to tell a tattooed dot from one of my zillions of tiny moles but I know where it is. I have my own way of telling the difference!

We should be in Houston tomorrow early afternoon. Our landlord doesn't work Saturdays so she left the keys and such with the leasing office for us to pick up when we arrive. They close at 5pm so we must be there by then!

Amarillo Armadillo

We made it to Amarillo about 8:00 tonight. Weather was fine but SUPER windy almost all the way!!!

Dogs and cats are rather comfortable in the hotel room. I can't believe how well the Girls did on the drive! Before we left, Lindsay helped me give them some Rescue Remedy. That seemed to calm them down for the first hour or so of the trip. Nala mewed off and on for a couple hours after that but it certainly wasn't screaming or howling by any means. Eventually, they both just sacked out on their comfy bed in their giant kennel and fell asleep. Even hauling their kennel to the room and letting them out in the bathroom to eat and use their litter box they are still very quiet. This is so unlike them! I am very proud of my little Girls!

Of course the dogs were great, too. They are old hands at travelling since we try to take them on all of our driving trips out of town. The only problem is Scarlett is curious about every thing that is happening on the other side of the door and wants to bark or at least growl at them. But she usually won't start barking until her big brother Dobby initiates it so she keeps looking to him as if she were saying, "Come on! Don't you hear that!? We should bark at it! Come on! Bark! Bark!" Dobby's been in hotel rooms more often than she has so he's learned to ignore those curious sounds out there.

Honey and I are exhausted. I think Amarillo's about 400 or so miles from Denver. I wanted to push it to 500 miles but for the last 100 or so miles we were on dark country roads with tumble weeds plummeting across the highways. I got nervous about that and I know that Honey may say, "I'm fine to keep driving lots more!" but once he gets worn out it hits him BAM and he's suddenly too tired to keep going. Better off to stop earlier rather than later. I think 8pm is early enough. Jeesh.

Tomorrow we'll start out a bit earlier than we did today...maybe! We didn't leave Denver until about 10:30. My new GPS works GREAT and it's trips like these that make me so very thankful for my XM radio in the car! We listened to the comedy channels most of the way.

Honey's gone to pick us up some dinner while I babysit the critters. And then it's bed time for us Travellers! Who knows where we'll end up tomorrow night! >:)

I forgot...

how much men hate to pack! It's almost as bad as when they are sick!

I've been packing since yesterday evening, with little breaks here and there. Honey had to work today and procrastinated long enough until he finally made it up to the bedroom to pack his clothes and other odds n' ends he thought me might want in the next two months. Talk about Grumpalumpus! Whew!

I don't imagine UNpacking will be any better! Maybe I'll hold that off until Monday morning when he hides out in the second bedroom to work until my radiation appointment. Then I can do it myself without grumpy chi all around. Hee hee.

Covered!

Unbelievable! Our insurance company approved the use of proton radiation at MD Anderson! From now until Dec 31, they'll pay 100%! After Jan 1, they'll pay 90% until they reach $20,000 at which point they will cover 100% again. Approved through near the end of February! HORRAY!!!!! Now, if only we could get them to budge on the use of Avastin! (Honey's still working on that).

We've packed a lot already. Now it's just bathroom stuff, clothes and last minute items. Lots of family is coming over tonight to help out (help pack, load the trailer, etc) so it'll be pretty busy around here but awesome to see everyone before we go tomorrow. Honey got me a GPS for Christmas but gave it to me early so we could use it on our trip. We're going to spread it out over 3 days - it's 1,000 miles. Leaving first thing in the morning. Family: I'll give you our new phone number and address once we get there (and find out the number!).

Maybe we'll blog from the road. Maybe not till Houston. We shall see!

Get Ready...

We made it home easily and safely with all of our luggage. :)

Yesterday, Honey and I rested most of the day. I took several naps back to back - I guess I was catching up from the whole week prior! And we did laundry. But that's about it.

This morning I've been making calls, getting some preparations done via the internet and sent out Christmas cards. That's right, even amongst all this chaos of our life, I still managed to do Christmas cards this year! It just makes me feel good to reach out and say "hey" to everyone who's been supporting us this past year. And this is the perfect time of year to do it!

So today will be full of some minor household preparations for our departure and then tonight we're all going out to dinner at The Rio to celebrate Honey's birthday which is actually next Tuesday. We threw this together at the very last minute (the original plan had been Mama was going to throw a big party for him at her house) so we've only got family coming at this point. If you're in Denver and you want to come because you always do, please feel free to swing by! It's the Rio Grande restaurant in the Park Meadows area. You know who you are! We'd love to see you before we leave!

Tomorrow I have back to back doctors' appointments, during which I will get my PICC line removed! HORRAY! I don't need a PICC or a Port while doing radiation treatments and the PICC line is the most annoying thing ever so I asked them to take it out for now and when I return from Houston, should I need to continue chemo, I'll get a new port put in. But MD Anderson requires that we take a class to learn how to flush the PICC line every single day, whether it's used or not! Unbelievable! Yet another reason why I want it OUT OUT OUT!

Thank you for all of your suggestions on travelling with the cats!!! I'm taking them all in consideration now. Any other moving ideas? Lay 'em on me!

The Girls

I mean, really. How could I bear to leave these precious girls at home for two months?! They are great cuddlers and Ariel is very talkative and they've been with me through thick and thin for the past 12 years. I need them with me. They both cuddle with me (especially Nala) when I'm resting from treatments. They are like medicine for the heart. And the dogs don't go bananas and try to chase The Girls as much as they like to go after Brudder. So Brudder will be better off and much happier at GrandpaDave's fighting with his cats and running around his big house then he would be trapped in a small apartment (small for him) with four other critters and two peoples. It's for the best.

Now. Anyone have any suggestions for how to have a peaceful (quiet) 1000 mile drive with two kitties in the car? Benedryl and/or Dramamine are the only two things I can think of. Any other suggestions are more than welcome!!!!

Violence

Pete and I have been listening to our neighbors on the other side of our bedroom wall every evening for the past week. Last night there was a fight. More of a domestic violence situation. With a toddler on oxygen in the room.

We called the front desk at midnight to report it and they sent security to stalk the hallway for an hour. more fighting, yelling, slamming against the walls, and smashing of something breakable (I think it was a lamp?). Eventually, we had to call the front desk again after we had cleared out of our bedroom because of the scary noises on the other side of the wall and pulled out the uncomfortable bed from the sofa in the living room. They finally brought the cops in and said that they may need to get a statement from us.

They may have taken the bad guy away, I'm not really sure. I finally passed out around 2am. Sofa beds are not comfortable. I'm glad we called to help put a stop to the abuse but I really think we should get our room comped for the night.

So ready to go home!

MORE HOPE ON THE HORIZON!!

Real quick...cause I gotta go play Phase 10 with these people here (Honey, Dad and Carol)!

Tonight, whilst casually fighting the hordes of people at the Galleria mall, I looked at my cell phone and found that I had a voice mail from Denver.

It was Dr. G (the one who did my two chemoembo and who I was successful in transforming from Dr. Doom and Gloom to Dr. Supportive and Awesome!). He said he got my email I sent last night (to him, Dr Kane and a couple others I work with at UCH explaining my decision to move down here for two months to receive proton radiation) and he wanted to talk to me. He says, "if the radiation doesn't work," he can always go back in and do another chemoembo but in order to target that specific area that Curley wants shrunk by "chemboembolizing selective arteries from the right lobe to specifically target this margin."

HORRAY!!!! THERE IS HOPE IF THIS RADIATION DOESN'T WORK!!!

I know I know everyone tells me it is going to work. But put yourself in my shoes. Dr. Wizard tells me this radiation is a one time deal; if it doesn't work then all we can do is send me home to keep doing chemo just to (hopefully) keep the tumor at bay. Meaning, if the radiation doesn't work, I'm just a ticking time bomb. Naturally, that puts a lot of pressure on me. Naturally, I fear the worst. I'm looking death in the eye even though he's far away. He's still closer than I care for him to be! Now, with Dr. G's additional solution, death has been pushed farther away! I have more hope again! HOPE HOPE HOPE!

Tomorrow night we're going home. honey and I are spending Sunday on the couch not doing anything but maybe laundry. Mostly vegitating to regain some energy. Then he's off to work Monday through Weds while I prep and pack our essentials and some extra stuff we want to bring down here. And we're back on the road on Thursday. We've decided to bring the girl cats with us, despite how much they'll scream and cry and whine in the car. That's what Dramamine and Benedryl (one or the other, of course!) are for! Carol says if the girls are a source of comfort and healing for me then I should keep them close at all times. She's right. So it's worth the extra deposit.

:) Hope again. NOW I can really look forward to the radiation therapy! And now I have the proper pants to do it!

Got it!

We found an apartment! It's beautiful and we love the location (close to the med center) and it has a shuttle service to and from the med center and it's a lot nicer than we would've been able to afford if it were going to be a year-long lease, but it's AOK since it's just for two months.

It's a two bedroom so that friends and family can come visit if they (you) want to! All are welcome anytime! Flights to and from Houston are usually rather inexpensive but be very careful flying Frontier - hold on tightly to your bag! Just drop me a line or give me a call if you want to come! We'll be leaving Denver next Thursday the 18th and driving over two days to get here on the 20th. We'll be here for at least 7 weeks then come home to wait for about 6 more weeks only to return to Houston for a fancy CT scan. What fun this is. But I love the apartment and can't wait to Play House in it! And it's a very dog-friendly apartment complex so our pups will be happy to come with us! YAY!

Today we're going to the Galleria mall to seek out some special radiation pants for me. That's where we got my Hello Kitty pants that I wear to every chemo appointment I had. I very rarely wear those kitty pants unless I'm going to chemo. Now I need some just for radiation! I wonder what they'll have....?

More later.!

Love

I love my family.

I adore my Honey.

I made it!

All last night, in between sudden bouts of tears and fears, I created an affirmation to keep me hopeful. Throughout my lengthy and relaxing shower - the first I've been able to have since we left home - I began repeating: "I am a candidate for proton radiation. I am a candidate for proton radiation. . ..." The more you put it out there, the more it will come to your life, right? I got Honey in on it last night and this morning my dad and Carol were repeating it, too.

As they were prepping me for the "CT Simmulator" scan, Dr. Del (that'll be the nickname of my radiation oncologist from now on) came in with his assistant, Dr. M, and told me that I do indeed qualify as a candidate for proton radiation therapy. HORRAY!!!!!!!! I WON!!!!! SOME GOOD NEWS!!!! That's helped me think more positively on this situation. We won't start treatment until Monday the 22nd so we have a little bit more time to pack and prepare for the move! If I were starting the other radiation treatment -= the IMDT one I mentioned yesterday- we'd start NEXT THURSDAY so that'd give me only like two days to pack and then we'd turn around and come back! UGH! Thankfully, that is not the case.

So right now, Honey is re-reviewing the apartments I researched last night and we'll plan to drive by and try to set up tours of some of them tomorrow. We're going to drive down here together, with the dogs and I think he said Frank will follow in his truck, too. Not for sure about that but it would be great if he could!

I got up way early for this scan thing today and had a little bit of mistreatment and a small breakdown in the middle of it so right now I'm exhausted. I'm going to take a nap now. More researching and planning when I wake up!

Thank you for all of your support and love. It's good to know you're out there rooting for me. I know in my heart that this proton radiation is going to kill the tumor around that vein so that Curley can go in and whack that sucker OUT OF ME! YAY!!!!

As long as I keep those positive thoughts more often than the negative and scary ones, I'll be A-OK!

What I learned today

I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, and emotionally worn out so please forgive me if I've directed you to this post instead of calling your or if this post is just cut and dry and not too exciting to read.

The tumor has not grown. It has shrunk. Yay. Unfortuantely, it has not shrunk in the particular area it needs to before Curley can go in and resect the tumor. And he will NOT go in only to remove part of it. It's all or nothing. Otherwise, it will spread the cancer throughout my system and be very bad news.

So remember there are three veins running through the liver. The tumor I have is completely compressing two of these veins (which run through the left lobe) and therefore they are not salvagable. The third vein runs through the right lobe of the liver and it is partially compressed by tumor, though not completely. Curley has always said it is essential to shrink the tumor away from that vein in order for him to do surgery and take the whole thing out, thereby clearing that vein and somehow reattaching it to the liver to run normally. This has been our goal for the past year. When we talk about shrinking the tumor, this is what we're refering to.

Overall it did shrink. That's pretty good. But it doesn't bring us closer to surgery.

The next step is radiation.

The short version of the story is there are two kinds of radiation: proton radiation and 4D IMDT (photon) radiation. While photon radiation goes through the skin, and the tumor and then out through the back, attacking any and all tissue/organs in its way, proton radiation goes through the skin, directly into the tumor then stops: the radiation is delivered to one direct spot and is slightly more concentrated than photon radiation.

There are only a couple of hospitals with the right machine to do proton radiation and MD Anderson is one of them, UCH in Denver is not. UCH in Denver can do photon radiation but not necessarily 4D IMDT (that's a complicated though facinating form of radiation, too, but I really can't get into it right now. you're welcome to do a google search on it to learn more!).

There are a couple of radiation oncologists here who are reviewing my case to determine if I qualify for the proton radiation. If I do not then it's the 4D IMDT protocol that I'll be doing.

Either one of them follows the same schedule: 5 days a week for 5 1/2 to 7 weeks (determined by the doc). And it can only start 3 weeks after my last dose of chemo. I was thinking we'd go home, do one more cycle (maybe two) of chemo, then come back to start radiation shortly after the first of the year. The radiation oncologist that I met today and would be working with (it's not Curley - he's an oncological surgeon) was talking about starting within the next two weeks!

We will find out tomorrow or Friday if I am approved as a candidate for the proton radiation.

In order to do radiation they need to carefully "map out" my body and the area of the tumor so that they can aim the radiation beam to the EXACT spot in question (which, in this case, is right around that vein in the right lobe). This map needs to be done within a week or two of starting treatments and it's done by a special kind of CT scan that takes about 45 minutes (IV contrast only - no barium YAY!). I am having this CT scan done tomorrow (Thursday) morning.

I tell ya, they move FAST and EFFICIENTLY over here!

Obviously, in order to do this, we will need to stay down here for 5 1/2 to 7 weeks. We are currently researching short term housing. We are still planning on coming home on Saturday but then we'll probably turn right around and come back down.

I will not go through with this radiation treatment without my dogs. They keep me positive and they keep me sane. They make me happy when I feel awful. They are our family.

It's a two day drive from Denver to here. So we're knocking around the idea of flying home, sending the girl cats to the inlaws', Brudder to my dad and Carol's, packing up ourselves and the dogs and driving back down here to stay for a couple months. Nothing will be permanent until we find out what kind of radiation I'll be doing and when it will begin. We should know all that by the time we head home.

YEah, it totally screws up my Christmas plans to be with extended family and friends but, as I was reminded of today so suddenly and scarily, this is my life we're talking about and I can certainly miss out on one holiday season at home in order to fight for my life.

Also, at this point, Curley says, after the roughly 6 weeks of radiation treatments, then we wait another 6 weeks (we'll come home for that) then do a CT scan to see if it worked. Whether it worked or not...there will not be a repeat performance. This radiation is a one time only shot. If it doesn't work, then we're looking at indefinite chemotherapy to simply keep the tumor from growing. That is worst case scenario. I'm trying desperately not to think about that. Dad and Carol and Honey are all telling me that the radiation will work and once it does its job, Curley will hop in, take it all out and I'll be cancer free again! So that's the plan from here on out.

Thank you for all of your prayers this week. I'm afraid I have to ask you to please continue them for me. It's really scary to think that all of a sudden I have to live somewhere else for an extended period of time in order to get this treatment. But really, I wouldn't want it done anywhere else but MD Anderson. I know in my heart of hearts that this is the RIGHT place for me to be. THIS is where I will be CURED of cancer. THIS is where my MIRACLE will happen.

So there you have it. The update up to now. I'll try to let you know as soon as we know if i'm a candidate for proton or not and what the plans are as we settle them.

Keep praying.

MINE! NOW!

Last night around 11:15pm some guy from the airline in Houston called me to tell me he had it in and would put it out for delivery first thing in the morning. "No," I said. "I was told you have 24 hour delivery. I want it tonight." "Oh yeah," he said, "there is a van going out at midnight tonight." DUHHHHHHHHH "Okay, well hurry and get it on THAT one. I want it tonight."

I called the front desk and told them I am expecting the delivery and to call my room no matter what time of night it is and to please make a note to this effect for whomever is on duty overnight. "Okay, will do." said the lady.

Woke up at 6am. No phone call in the middle of the night. So I called the front desk and they had it, indeed. What happened to the middle of the night phone call request?

I almost ran down there (as much as a person can run in an elevator!) to retrieve my bag! When I got there I found a line of about 5 men waiting to check in or out or whatever. I bypassed the line and asked the lady behind the counter, nicely, for my suitcase. She held up her index finger as if to tell me to hang on a minute and then directed her attention to the next man in line. NO! I WILL NOT WAIT I WANT MY SUITCASE NOW!!!! I almost screamed. Instead I gently said, "Um, I'm already paying for a room here. I'd like my suitcase now." Finally she caved and got someone else to wheel it out for me.

Oh my precious bag! My precious things inside it! Card games, special pillow for my arm, Livvy, another book to start, my clothes from my own home, my toiletries, ALL MINE!!!!! Honey took a picture of me lying on top of my suitcase hugging it. I've never been so happy to see my things as I was this morning! HORRAY!

Needless to say, I will be crafting a seething letter to the powers that be at the aforementioned airline when we get home. It won't be pretty but I'll be proud of it. Grrrrrrrr!

We met with Dr. Curley this morning and got some decent news. Not excellent and not horrible either. We have to meet with one more doctor this afternoon to get more questions answered and then I'll give you a full update here either tonight or first thing in the morning. Promise. Stay tuned if you want to know...

Where's all of my stuff?!

Yesterday, while I flew to Houston, my suitcase flew to Dallas.

And it's still there.

With all my clothes, socks, special pillow....oh and all of my daily meds that keep me not so anxious and without pain.

I know I know...they always say never to pack your medications in a checked bag. But I thought that was a bunch of hooey.

Honey, bless him, spent the entire morning and some of the afternoon, calling my doctor's office in Denver and Curley's office here in Houston, trying, begging someone to call in some of my essential scripts some where (there are six that I really can't live without). And guess what? My doctor in Denver is not in on Mondays and neither is NurseGari. It's only Nasty J there all day calling the shots. Of course she gave us a hard time about it and sighed heavily and copped an attitude like we were doing her some grand disservice by asking for her help with all this.

But by 6:00 tonight, we had about five or so days' worth of these six essential medications. What a relief.

CAme back to the hotel only to spend the next hour and a half trying to get ahold of the dingbats at Frontier Airlines to try and track down my bag! What happened was (and we figured this out yesterday) when they put that strip of sticky paper on my bag's handle that flags it as a checked bag and tells where it's final destination is, the lady who helped check us in at the desk in Denver yesterday logged me in as someone named Bridgett who was flying to Dallas/Ft. worth airport. The airline apologized when we landed in Houston and filed a claim with them and they assured us that they would deliver the bag to me at our hotel ASAP. This morning, still no bag. Honey called Frontier and they assured us it will be here by 6pm today at the latest. By 7:30, still no bag. In trying to reach somebody, anybody at the airlines either in Dallas or Houston airports tonight, both Honey and I were routed to voice mail over and over again. After several attempts, finally someone picked up the phone in Dallas and declared that she had my bag right there in front of her. Great! Send it to me. Well, it has to go back to Denver and then turn around and come to Houston on the same flight we were on yesterday. Apparently, the Houston branch of the airlines dropped the ball and didn't lift a finger about it all last night or today. This was the first Dallas had heard of it! GRRRRRRR

So again, they assure me that it'll arrive at the Houston airport around 6:30pm. What happens after that, hell, I have no idea. Maybe they'll deliver it to me. Maybe we have to drive back to the airport to pick it up. Maybe it will turn into a spaceship and take off for some unknown planet in the Loopideloop Galaxy.

All of this AND I got to have another delightfully pleasant CT scan today. Plus and X ray and blood draw. The CT scan still scares me a bit even though I've had it done a few times. Fortunately, my antianxiety meds arrived from the pharmacy (thank you Daddy and Carol for going to pick them up!!) and into my system before they even handed me the barium. And I learned something today. MD Anderson is so awesome that they even have a wide selection of FLAVORED barium to choose from. Last year I got Pina Colada and it about made me throw up. A couple months ago back home I had apple flavored and about hurled that too. Today I opted for berry after I took a consensus in the waiting room where several other people were forcing it down before being called back for their scans. The majority of the people voted for berry flavored. So know this, if you ever have the option of flavored barium, go for the berry. It really does have the least disgustinng aftertaste and only made me want to hurl after downing one and three quarters bottles of it and only then because I was so bloated and full up to my hairy eyeballs with it! UGH!

I thought things were coming together. We were home from the hospital and all the poking prodding and testing are done now. I'm exhausted. We finally got ahold of someone at the airlines and my bag will be travelling the country tomorrow morning bright and early. All I wanted to do after dinner was change into my new PJs from Walmart (we made a midnight run there last night to get me two days' worth of clothes and some other essentials).

Alas, I could not find the bottoms to these new cute jammies with dogs and candy canes on them. I've got the shirt and I know for sure that this morning I left the pants part of the jammers on the bed. We've searched every drawer, room, closet and under the three beds in this two-room suite we're sharing with Dad and Carol to no avail. At this point I think Housekeeping stole my pants. It sounds funny but it's true. Sure, they probably inadvertantly swiped them up as they ripped the sheets off the bed for washing. My guess is they'll end up falling out of the sheets after being washed and dried. Hopefully they don't send these off to a third party to have them laundered then I'd really be SOL! The Front Desk told me to call Lost and Found in the morning after 8am. Sure. Right when I wake up from sleeping with NO PANTS ON!

I swear. My stuff is disappearing at an alarming rate! I'm tempted to take what little I do have left, pile it all up in the middle of the bed and lie on top of it for the remainder of our stay! That way I'll know where everything is! The best security system I can think of!

Now it's off to bed again with half jammies and no suitcase. No night guard. Ohhhhh the grinding of the teeth will be rampant tonight!
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Tuesday Morning Update: Housekeeping had the pants and my theory was correct, they did swipe them up whilst removing the sheets from our bed. Unfortunately, my pants never made it into the wash! Really, that's the least they could do!

Pete talked to the airline this morning and they confirmed that my suitcase was on the plane from Dallas to Denver at 6:45am. The person he talked to said it would be put on the flight from Denver to Houston this afternoon "as long as the plane isn't completely booked with passengers." This gives me very little peace as the flight we took out here was completely full. My only saving grace is that ours was on a Sunday and hopefully more people fly on Sunday than on Tuesday. Here's hoping, right?

And I think Maggie's right, and Carol had the same idea. Maybe all this weirdness and disappointing stuff is happening now so that I can get the good news from Curley tomorrow. Something like I've paid my dues or whatever. It's an interesting concept. One that I don't mind believing in for now!

All Ready

I woke up and got ready and I'm all giggles so I guess I'm feeling better!

It's lovely to have a later-in-the-day flight out. Now Honey and I aren't frantically running around the house throwing last minute things in, taking heavy things out, wiping the sleep from our eyes, me getting irritated and hungry and probably running late! We're all packed and we weighed our bags and we're both under 50 lbs! Horray! Our ride (Mamacita) won't show up until noon. That's like three hours!

Think I'll go polish my toenails!

Upcoming days

Over the river and thru the wood,
To Houston we will go;
To get a CT,
And more tests on me,
To see what Curley knows, Oh!

Over the river and thru the wood,
Oh my I cannot wait,
To stand in line,
And spend lots of time
At M D Anderson!

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I think I just butchered that parody of the original. Oh well. You get the idea.

We're taking off tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon and will arrive in Houston in the evening. I'm taking my laptop so I'll be posting when there is time. Just so you know what's happening and when, here's a basic run-down:

Monday from noon to 6ish I'm having several tests done; such as a fancy schmancy CT scan (I don't know what's fancy about it), blood tests (as usual), and I'm not sure what else. Basically I'll be shuffled around to different departments for I think 4 different kinds of tests.

Tuesday is a play and rest day (Monday I get to drink barium all freaking afternoon. It wears a person out.). Having dinner with one of my godmothers with whom my mom has been friends since they were in grade school.

Wednesday morning, bright and early, we meet with Dr. Wizard (aka Dr. Curley). He will have had a chance to review Monday's test results, as well as all the others we have sent him from home over the past year, and then will be able to tell us what's new, what's different, what's smaller, what's disappearing, what's ready to be removed from my body....

The rest of the week we are playing vacation, going to see the sights and such.

The problem here is I'm having trouble believing that Curley will have excellent news for me. Honey and just about everyone else I know has been thinknig postively, trying to nudge the universe in the right direction so that Curley will look at my images and immediately book an OR to take out my tumor. But I fear the worst. If you want a psychobabble label for it, I think I'm experiencing PTSD. Since things have been going so well now for so long, time's probably up and I'm bound to have horrible things happen again. I'm struggling a lot with that. I'm trying very hard to not think that way but I'm too scared of disappointment to think the other way too. Mostly I just try to not think about it at all. But the closer the trip gets, the more it comes up. I'm scrambling to find some positive affirmations to keep me afloat before we leave or else I'll be a wreck, come Wednesday morning.

What I'm clinging to right now is yesterday's visit with Dr. Kane. See, when a few weeks have passed since I've seen her for a check up, I start to fear the worst. I begin holding my breath and thinking, well, this is it! My liver's been functioning well all this time despite the tumor but I bet my times up and now it's going to start shutting down on me! (again I try to NOT think this way at all but it's challenging not to) Anyway, once I see her and ask my questions and solve my myriad problems (like not sleeping well at night for a month), I walk out of her office feeling refreshed, recharged, reassured that everything is going to be alright. So of course they did blood work when I got there yesterday (no chemo yesterday though, not before this trip) and when I asked her, "So really, how does it look? How is my liver doing now?" she replied with a smirk on her face, "Very well. In fact, your liver is working disgustingly well!" LOL I know that as an oncologist and an instructor of oncology, she is completely boggled to have me, such a young patient with such a rare and advanced tumor, with a perfectly functioning tumor! It simply defies all odds!

And then when I think that, things start to change for the better in my head. If all of this has defied the odds, just getting this cancer, ya know? Then who says I cannot continue to defy the odds (against me) and conquer this dis-ease?! I know I can do it. I've been doing it all along. That's been my job for the past 12 months, right?!

I am working on it and I do feel all of your support out there. I am putting all of your love, prayers and kind thoughts in my pocket and I'm packing my customized hospital gowns and taking them all with me to MD Anderson this week! Thank you for them!

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December 19 marks my one full year of chemotherapy (I actually started on Dec 18 last year). We intend to CELEBRATE this milestone (no matter how peculiar it may seem to some)! Naturally, I've scheduled another cycle to begin on Friday, Dec 19 this year. Pete mentioned something about bringing cupcakes (my favorite!). If you are in the denver area and would like to come celebrate with us, please feel free to stop by the Infusion Center at the Anchutz Cancer Pavillion in Aurora, ask the lady at the front desk where I'm at and come hang out and party with us in my little cubicle! If you think you're too freaked out to go anywhere near a chemotherapy ward, overcome that fear and come see what it's really like! I'll be there and if we get enough people crammed into that little cubby hole I'm in, we'll have a GREAT time! I am so serious about this. So please please please, do try to come celebrate with us! Oh...but if you have a cold, the flu or even suspect you may be carrying such a virus around, then YOU ARE TOTALLY NOT INVITED TO COME! Hee hee I don't mean that in a cruel way...it's just that everyone getting chemo there, including myself, has a lowered, if not simply challenged immune system so it's harder to fight such viruses off. The nurses are even required to not come in if they are even sniffling all of a sudden. So if you're healthy, come one come all! Email me for more info if you wish.

I'll blog again probably Tuesday. Stay tuned!

New Life!

Today, my dear friend Kat became a grandmother for the very first time!

Check out this cutie patootie:

Welcome, Miss Cecilia Jade, to this world!
Born today, 12/4/08, at 7:32AM and weighing in at 6lbs, 15oz. She's already 19 1/2 inches tall!

Her mommy and daddy, Angie and Cory, endured several years of disappointments in the baby-making department so as far as I'm concerned, Cecilia is their little miracle baby! Congratulations to Angie and Cory and, of course, Gramma Kat!

No' Mo' Yummies

Are you familiar with the Mission brand of corn chips? Well, they recently came out with medium-sized $1.00 bags of cinnamon twists and they are exactly like the kind I grew up on at Taco Bell! I was so excited to get one bag a few weeks ago!

Last week I went back to the store and bought two more bags of them. They're smaller than your average sized bag of chips, ya know. Brought them home, stuck them in the pantry and waited for my craving to hit.

And today it did hit. I was so excited to have that as a snack today. I went to the pantry, pulled down one of the bags, and noticed it wasn't quite as full of air as a brand new unopened bag of chips ususally is. I glanced at the expiration date. OCTOBER 3, 2008?!?! But I just bought this bag last week!

In a craving overload panic, I ran back to the pantry, pulled down the other bag I bought and checked that one out. JULY 24, 2008?!?!?!? HOLY GUACAMOLE! How totally uncool! They were expired even before I opened the bags let alone bought them! That's disgusting.

Now I know some of you (dad) probably dismiss petty things like experiation dates on food (dad), especially if the bag hasn't even been opened yet (dad). But me, I do pay attention to those dates and I'm especially careful to not do anything to jeopardize my current good health.

Alas, I did not get to enjoy said Mission cinnamon twists. Boo hoo.

I took them back to the store tonight and the Customer Service rep told me to just go grab two other bags to replace them with. When I went back (of course these are located at the most farthest aisle from the entrance!) to get them, even more disappointment awaited for me: there were only two bags left in the entire chips aisle and both of them had expired in October.

*heavy sigh*

I got my two dollars back. I thought Mission was just testing these cinnamon twists out, to see if the customers would buy them, which is why they were only sold in the medium to smallerish type bags. I guess I was the only customer who fell for them because there didn't seem to be any mention or advertising of them returning to the store. Oh well. Such is life.

In the end this makes me a wee bit scared that maybe my grocery store doesn't pay attention to the expiration dates on the items with which they stock their shelves. I'll have to be more diligent in checking the dates before I even hit the check out lines!

Is There Anybody Out There?

I'm sorry for the delay in posting. I just haven't been in the mood to blog anything. But today I thought about all of you out there who are praying for and thinking about me and Pete. So I thought I'd give you a brief update. :)

Thanksgiving was lovely. By the time me and my men sat down to eat, Carol and one of her daughters showed up and joined us at the table! What a treat! It was great to meet her daughter and start to get to know her. Unfortunately, she couldn't bring her kiddos because they were showing the early signs of a cold during their own dinner and she didn't want them infecting me. Very thoughtful. The five of us played Phase 10 until our heads were spinning! It was fun!

Sure, I thought about dozens of things that I am thankful for: my loving husband, my devoted father, my two additional families, my healthy and happy dogs, our peaceful home, the fact that we can afford to feed ourselves and heat our house, my bff Maggie and all my other dear friends whom I hold close to my heart, my family on my mother's side as we are all still trying to figure out where our shared grief fits into our separate lives, that my crandberry salad turned out so very yummy even though I switched from using sugar to using Splenda for the first time ever (and don't tell me Splenda causes cancer because A) I already got it and B) tell me one thing these days that doesn't cause cancer!), all of my doctors and nurses and surgeons and medicines and treatments and bandaids and creams and drugs (even the yucky ones that work!)...

Seriously the list goes on. There's just not enough bandwidth for me to complete my list right now. But you get the general idea.

But the strangest thought occurred to me in the middle of my cozy Thanksgiving weekend. It was more of a feeling than a thought, really. It will probably shock you to read this; I didn't even believe it myself when I first thought of it! But the thing that I feel I am most thankful for right now is my health. Truly. With all this chemo and especially this port site infection and all that has entailed from it and the lingering (but healing!) burn on my arm, and the utterly giant size of the tumor grasping desperately to my liver though not causing my liver any harm...I consider myself rather lucky to be in such good health! I really dont' want to list all the symptoms commonly endured whilst taking so much chemotherapy treatments but most of you already get the idea that it's pretty nasty. And as crummy as I feel after that first week of chemo, and as weak I may feel the three weeks following that, and the mild (but slowly diminishing) amount of guilt I may feel for not being able to function like my active mind wants me to, I am generally in a good state of health, both mentally, emotionally and physically. Sure I have days when all I do is cry with no solid justification other than "I am terrified of it all." And other days, or weeks, when I wear my PJs all week and am glued to the sofa. My stomach may ache every time I stand up and as the days of taking Xeloda go on and on my hands may begin to throb with a slowly growing pain (and just when it starts to get bad, my 21 days of Xeloda pills is up and I get a week or so to recover!). Sure, I have an actual HOLE in my chest from where the old port was but it's healing rather well (it's got a black scab over it so I've come to call it My Black Hole lately), considering.

Yeah I have a list of complaints about as long as my list of things to be thankful for. But really, honestly, I am so very thankful that god has allowed me to remain as strong and healthy as I have been this past 12 months.

Believe me, I will keep that in mind as we travel to MD Anderson in Houston this weekend. I'll repeat it to myself as I undergo their very cool, very technologically advanced tests, especially when I start to panic from fear and exhaustion.

I do have my health. I just also happen to have cancer, too. So it can't be all that bad can it?

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I've done about 95% of our christmas shopping over the internet this week. I'm trying to get it done this week since we'll be gone all of next week. That'll give me another whole week and a half when we get back to wrap, label and send off the gifts that are going out of town. Go ahead, you can say it: "I am all over it!"

Now, tell me honestly, how many of you want me to write my next post about the Twilight saga in order to stir up some heated converstaion in the comments??? I just finished all four books and Honey's just begining the first. I think I'm doing really well keeping my mouth SHUT and not revealing anything important (no matter how utterly exciting it may be) to him. I have to admit that I did let a couple small things slip but I'm counting on two things here: 1) they are things that he's going to find out rather early in book one and it becomes common knowledge from then on and 2) Honey's unreliable memory will erase some of what I've blurted out to him or he may have overheard as I told Maggie while she was visiting us! Come on, Honey, FORGETTABOUTIT! :)