Ready to fight!

Mrs Honey is spending the night in the hospital again tonight. I am at home catching up on sleep.

Here is Mrs Honey ready for the fight!

Chemo Embo finished for today

Well, Here we are.  The chemo embo went without any hitches.  Dr. "not-quite-as-doom-and-gloom-as-he-was-before" said that Mrs honey did an excellent job.  Her anesthesiologist told her that if she needed anything during the procedure she should just call out for her "bartender".  That is a funny picture in my mind..."Hey bartender, gimme another round!".

Dr "nqadagahwb" said that they were able to get in 2/3's of the drug this time (last time they only got about 40% of the drug in).  I am not totally sure what that means, being able to get in 2/3's of the drug.  He had mentioned that that was all the liver could retain...so maybe that is all it means.

Good Job Mrs Honey!

Now for the next part of the evening.  Mrs Honey has her pain under control much better this time.  She is more comfortable after the procedure than she was the last time.  BUT...there was a screw up in the orders for the overnight stay.  Mrs Honey had worked it out with her oncologist and with the radiologist that she wanted to stay in the oncology ward after the procedure (nurses that she sees at the infusion center work there some times).  The nurses at the recovery room said that the request to be in the oncology ward was not on the order for Mrs Honey.  They tried as hard as they could (some times we wonder how hard they really try because we are angry) but there were no beds available in the onc ward.  So we are in a different area...not even sure what the specialty on this floor is.

We are in a shared suite.  There is no sleeper for me.  Now Honey and I worked this out between us before hand.  She wants me to be here with her and I want to be here with her...give her support and be her extra nurse when she needs me.  Last time it worked out good for both of us.  This time...not so much.  Well really now lets just let that be.

It is good news....procedure went without a problem.  You will here more from us later on this weekend!

Signed,

Mr. Honey

Ready

All ready to go. Jane's in town and coming over in the morning. I don't have to check in till noon tomorrow. Will be packing a small suitcase along with Honey and heading out mid-morning. Horray!

Honey will probably post and let you know how things are going. I'm sure all will be fine. :) Thanks in advance for your thoughts, good vibes and prayers!

and....I'm done.

Alright, ya talked me into it. Or out of it, actually. Since I found myself physically unable to do a thing today but let the cleaning ladies in and back out again and instead spent several hours conked out on the sofa, I will now take your sage advice and STOP micromanaging.

Lovely Lindsay will bring by her sets of queen sheets in the morning and I'm sure they'll do just fine (You know I'm really sickly when I don't feel like shopping at Kohls!). Honey will finish the laundry and just put a couple lamps in the spare room and our work will be done. I was just feeling overwhelmed last night with everything and the house a mess. Honey even offered to go get me things I may need this evening. How sweet. I'm sure I'll think of something.

All I'm going to do now is relax, get myself to ShrinkyDink and back tomorrow and then rest up for Wednesday's procedure!

Breathe...deeeeeeep.....

If you left a comment on the last post, check that comment box again for my reply to ya'll!

Preparedness

Boy, it's super fun taking these neupagen shots and making myself so sick I can hardly move. I have swollen and sore glands in places I never knew existed! I can't keep my eyes open I'm so tired. My throat is sore and my head aches. I know I sound like Little Peggy Ann McKay from Shel Silverstein's poem 'Sick' but in my case it's true. And it's really interfering with my preparations for Jane's arrival and my surgery.

I usually wait one more full day before taking the shots but because my surgery is mid day on Wednesday, Nurse Gari thought it'd be a good idea to start them a day and a half sooner so that my WBC aren't too high to have the procedure done. Go figure. So I got up today full of plans and to do lists but then Honey reminded me to take my shot this morning. Okie doke. Good idea. But that plan backfired because by the time we were headed home from my dad's with the queen sized bed he gave us, I could feel the Mac truck begining to run me over. And now it's several hours later and I feel several times worse.

Okay so you get the point, I'm sick and for some reason I have to make myself sick in order to get better. Fine. No more complaining on that note.

But see we only have three days until Jane arrives and my house isn't even ready yet. The cleaning ladies are coming tomorrow (I put them off a few days just for this purpose) and now Honey has to spend the evening cleaning off the surfaces required for them to clean. You know the whole, "clean the house before the cleaning ladies get here" deal? That's the one. All I can do is lie here and watch.

Naturally, I've drastically scaled down my to do list for the next two days and Honey keeps reminding me that it's not the end of the world if we don't get it all done in time. I know he's right. But Jane is so kind to drive all this way to help me out for two weeks, I want her to feel comfortable and happy in our home, not crowded out with the piles of stuff.

I do need to go buy some new bedding for the queen bed tomorrow. And maybe a couple of new towels for the guest bathroom. I'll do that after the cleaning ladies leave and as much as I want to check out Linens and Things' going out of business sale, I'm afriad I'm too late to find complete sets of things, ya know? So I may only visit Kohls since they always seem to be having the lowest prices of the season every single day ... and most of you know how frugal I am! I have no bedding for a queen or full bed (and I'm really not convinced that this is a queen...I've got mesurements now). And what dad had to offer was only 12 years old and thread-bare. And besides, it was all sorts of shades of blue and my room is purple. Duhh. I'm allowed to be a little picky.

The bedding and finishing setting up her room and finishing laundry is pretty much all I've settled on doing between now and Tuesday evening. Forget the piles of crap on the coffee table in the front room, and the stacks of books that still need to be put away in their proper places on the shelves (I did mostly clean up the bookshelf area yesterday!), and the other general purging of junk that's just taking up space. So that's the way we live. I'm sure she'll understand. In fact, I think she'd be mad if she knew how much (but it feels little to me!) trouble we've already gone to for her visit. What can I say...I've been trained this way by my mother and I'm still learning to LET IT GO. ShrinkyDink told me not to micromanage everything while Jane's here. Just let things flow. Easier said than done but I'm willing to give it a strong shot!

It's gotten quite cold here in the evenings and nights over the past couple of weeks. My garden is shot now. We have such a short growing season here in Colorado, which I only just learned, this being my first year of gardening. If I had planted my squashes, peppers and tomato plants earlier in the spring, maybe we'd be enjoying them more now instead of watching them rot out there in the rocks. I don't know what the rules are for "shutting down" a garden for the winter. I know about roses and I have yet to get out there and prep them for the dormant season. See...I'm way behind everything!

No we didn't make it to the museum yesterday. I was too tired from Friday's chemo to go. And by the time I felt up and more energized, the time for our IMAX tickets had already come and gone. I did try to give them away to many friends and even back to the foundation that got them for me but no one was able to. At least I tried.

That's about all the energy I've got this evening. Now it's time to lie back down for a while.

Please comment to me here and tell me what you did this weekend! I'd love to hear about it!

Fastest Chemo EVERWhen

In and out of there in under two hours! Apparently, the pharmacy, whom we normally have to wait FOREVER on to get my necessary drugs each visit, got a new manager who has whipped everything into shape.

When I filled out a survey a couple months ago about how we are used to having to wait at least two hours for the pharmacy to get my stuff together, I didn't really expect anything would come of it. In fact, the president of the hospital/school usually replies to me directly from my sureys and to that one he said he had heard many complaints before mine and now he would make some drastic changes to improve service over there.

Looks like it worked! Horray!

Plus, my NiceNurseNichole said that she wants to come visit me while I'm in the hospital next week. Isn't she sweet?! :)

Back to Life, Back to Reality

*le sigh*
Now that the wedding fun is all over, it's back to work (ie cancer-ass-kicking) for me and Honey!

Later today I get regular chemo. Honey will get off work a lil early and go with me. It's just my "wee dose" this time (only one chemo drug) so hopefully it won't knock me out too much the rest of the weekend.

Saturday, we got tickets through the Diana Price Fish Foundation to go to the Museum of Nature and Science. They're doing this huge exhibit on dinosaurs (which I love) and a big IMAX film to follow our tour of the exhibit. I'm psyched for that!

Sunday is our work day. We need to get some rooms cleaned out and set up for the lovely Jane to arrive. She should get here late on Tuesday. We need to move a twin sized bed back to the in-laws' and the bring home a queen sized to our house from my dad's. Any strong men in the area willing and able to lend Honey a hand in hauling these beds on Sunday???

Wednesday I check in for the procedure, which I will no longer be referring to as The Big Nasty because with the help of all my doctors via email, I think it's going to be wayyyyy less nasty as it was last time! Even the original Dr. Doom-n-Gloom is being supportive in helping me prepare for the pain and discomfort following the procedure. :) Honey will stay with me in the hospital for as long as I need to stay there and Jane will hang out and take care of the pups while we're away.

I finally made a couple of appointments to see Dr. Curley and have tests done again at M.D. Anderson in Houston! The first week of December, we'll be in Houston getting bloodwork, CT scans and whatever other pokes and prods they want to do on me and then visit with Curley. Fortunately, Dad and Carol have agreed to go with us and help us work with and absorb any new information we get from Dr. Wizard. Horray for Dr. Wizard!!!

Alrighty, that's enough for now. Have a great weekend everyone!!! And seriously, if you're in the area and want to lend us a hand with those beds, give us a call or drop us an email! :) We pay well in pizza and beer currency!

Wedding pictures

Alright, I promised you pictures so...here are just a small handful of my favorites of the 300+ pictures Honey took over the weekend!

The setting. This photo was taken from the terrace at the clubhouse in which we had the reception. Most of the formal bridal party photos were taken straight ahead towards the beautiful fall foliage.
This is the rehersal bouquet I made for Lindsay. Tradition says a bridesmaid should gather the bows from bridal shower gifts and make them into a faux bouquet for the bride to use during rehersal. It's supposed to be made through a paper plate but I found an actual bouquet holder with styrofoam in it, typically used for silk floral arrangements. But I just put all the bows on floral craft sticks and stuck 'em into the holder. Voila! Lopsided-beauty!
Here's Robert and Susie, Pete's second cousins from Topeka. We all gathered at the Rio for the rehersal dinner and these two were almost as cute as the bride and groom! When I saw 5 year old Robert back in August, he pointed to Sally and then to himself and matter-of-factly said to me: "Me and her. Twins." LOL No kiddin'!
Here's my Honey and me at the rehersal dinner. I had some trouble creating realistic eyebrows as I practiced doing my own makeup before the rehersal. Clearly, it didn't work out so I decided to let the pros that did the rest of the bridal party's hair and makeup take care of my face on wedding day. You'll see the result a bit down the page.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan! Honey did not take pictures during the ceremony so the rest will be from the reception. She was such a beautiful bride! Click on the picture below to see it bigger/close up.
Here are Frank and Carolyn after the ceremony. Isn't this a cute candid shot of the two of them?
And now the entire bridal party, including ushers, flower girl and ring bearer. Honey read aloud a piece from The Alchemist during the ceremony but he was never quite sure if he fit in the category of "bridal party" or not. I was glad he got in on this one with me!
We must've been reminiscing our own wedding day in this picture. Can you tell it's dusk? The lighting gets a lil wonky at dusk. (why do I keep typing duck?!?!)
Way early on in the wedding planning process, even before the serious planning talk began, John and his pals came up with the idea of an entire Super Mario Brothers' themed wedding. Pete and I joined in the fun as we shouted out more ideas to make it perfect. That is, until Lindsay scolded and reminded me that I'm supposed to be on her side. So I had to stop with the talk of her dressing up like Princess Peach and John dressing as Mario and when they each said "I do" they'd have to jump up and twiddle their feet below them really quickly like they do in the game. At least John got to have this adorable Mario Mushroom as his groom's cake!
And then the bride's cake was amazing! It looked like layers of what I thought was an aspen tree, because that's the only tree trunk that I know of in those colors. And boy did it ever taste good! Mmmm!
Pete urged John to smash cake all over Lindsay's face but it's a good thing he didn't listen! Just look at the look of fear he has just because she had a smidgen of frosting on her cheek! Hehe Eventually, he wiped it off gently as a sweet husband should do for his bride.

Finally, here's a picture of me, my dad (and his fluffy mountain man beard), and his girlfriend Carol to his right. We were standing among the crowd of Fairbanks so also in this picture are Aunt Marti on Carol's right side, and Katie and Sally over there on my left side. We were watching people dance from this side of the groove floor.I just loved the color of our dresses! Not only was the shade of olive green gorgeous, but the irridescence and how it would change from green to blue to brown, depending on how I stood was truly mystifying. And the style...well...Lindsay and her mom kept telling me that I picked out the dress but my chemo brain prevents me from remembering that! I remember trying on about a zillion dresses for Lindsay to give a thumbs up or thumbs down to and I remember feeling strongly about not having strapless dresses. Aside from that, I cannot take the credit because my memory fails me! They sure are pretty, though. I think I'll wear mine to the next fancy party I'm invited to (which probably won't be until I'm 40!).

There you have it, wedding pictures! If you want more, click on that Flickr slideshow at the top right of this page in a few days and maybe I'll have put more up there.

Pictures on a Disc

Pete took a TON of good pictures at the wedding and put them on a disc. We now have several copies of this disc on our kitchen counter. If any of you would like a copy of this disc, please comment or email me your address and I'll drop it in the mail ASAP. Please keep in mind these are not the professional photos of the wedding. They hired what seemed to be an excellent photographer and I'm sure they'll get those photos in a month or so. These are just from Pete as he is improving his photography skills. Right now it's just a hobby but he has dreams of the two of us working weddings and such some day! So get your disc of pictures before he gets famous! ;)

Some of my faves will be posted later today. Promise.

The Big Day Has Come and Gone

WHEW! What a whirlwind of a weekend we had!

Saturday we had the rehersal, followed by a lovely visit with the Fairbank family from Topeka at our house for a couple hours, and then dinner at The Rio with the entire wedding party and their significant others. That just happens to be Honey's favorite restaurant in Denver and, since it's usually too spicy for my sensative palate, we don't go there nearly as often as we used to, so he was in green chili heaven, to say the least!

Saturday night I tried on my bridesmaid dress one last time just to see how everything looked all put together, only to find that the arms were too small. Actually, they were too tight around my arms, causing me great discomfort and irritation. After a mini panic attack and a few tears (just to test the dress's fabric to see if it stained easily - which it did not), daddy's gf Carol swooped in Sunday morning to fix the problem! A handful of pins, a half-dozen try-ons and two donuts later (to appease my dad while we worked!) and she made more room for my arm in the dress! Carol saved the day! HORRAY! Thank you, Carol!

Sunday was the BIG day! I joined Lindsay and the other girls at her house for "hair and makeup." Fortunately, I don't have enough hair to do much with so I got to skip that part. I did need some help with my makeup though, since my pale blonde eyebrows are growing back but are almost invisible from three feet away. I needed help with that. Oh, and I only have about four eye lashes on each eye and no matter how much mascara I'd tried to apply just days before in trial runs, I could not pull off the illusion that there were more. So the darling beauty artists at Lindsay's did a great job on my face. And all the other girls looked beautiful, too! But truly, the most beautiful among us all there in Lindsay's living room was the bride herself, in her comfy robe, hundreds of pin curls and flawless makeup. In fact a few hours later, while we girls were outside getting our photos taken in various poses and groupings, there were two snapshots taken of me and Lindsay. The first one is of the two of us with an arm around each other, looking at the camera with our heads tilted towards each other with pretty smiles on our faces. The second one, we were told to face each other and I was instructed to just look Lindsay in the eyes. When I turned my head and did just that I literally flinched, I was so stunned by her beauty! I mean, I always knew Lindsay was a pretty lady but on that day, in that lighting outside, in her blissfully glowing state, looking straight into her eyes almost blew me away! Her hazely-blue eyes were bright and had a sparkle to them I'd never seen before. I think that sparkle was her extreme happiness of the day. Her and John's whole family and friends had gathered together just for them. The months and months of stress and planning and creating with her mother all the details of the decorations etc. had finally come together for this day, the final performance. And, above all, within that sparkle I saw an unending love she has for John and the realization of a dream come true: she finally gets to spend the rest of her life married to her one true love.

So now you know why that simple look into her eyes just blew my heels off! I sure hope that photograph turns out to be a keeper when they go to see the proofs. It's just a very personal image to me that says so much.

The ceremony was unlike any I had seen before. The weather was P-E-R-F-E-C-T (which is truly a miracle in this transitional season in Colorado!) and the trees around displayed a thousand different shades of yellow, red, green and orange. Nobody tripped on the way up or down the aisle. The flower girl and ring bearer clearly took their jobs very seriously and they pulled their jobs off perfectly. I had the opportunity to be placed at the very end of the line of the bride's four attendance, so I got to discreetly look around at all the guests in their seats. I also got a perfect shot of John as he recited his vows to Lindsay and remember all that magical stuff I said earlier that I saw in Lindsay's eyes while we were taking pictures? I saw all that in John's eyes too so I knew right then that they are a match made in heaven. Colleen, one of the bridesmaids played a beautiful Ben Harper song on her guitar that seemed to have brought subtle tears to everyone's eyes. I'd been hit with random bouts of dizziness in the past week so fortunately, where I was standing, I was about two feet away from where Honey was sitting and he had an open chair just for me, should I need to sit and catch my breath. I only had to use that chair once, discreetly, as we were all reciting the Lord's prayer and then the dizzy spell passed.

And what can I say about the reception? Words fail me. There are no words to describe how magical it felt in that room. Lindsay and mama had spent the past 10 months desiging, purchasing, cutting, writing, gluing, and otherwise putting together all the tiny details on the tables and chairs. (And, to whom it may concern, I overheard many comments on how comfortable the chairs were so it's a good thing the "stick chairs" were overruled!) A few people mentioned to me that it felt like we were in a fairy woodland in that reception room and I whole-heartedly agreed. They had incorporated so much nature from our beautiful Colorado that it really did feel like we were in a magical forest. The help-yourself candy bar was fun, the cake was not only beautiful but delicious (the bride's cake looked like the trunk of an aspen tree while the groom's cake was in the shape of a cute mushroom with various Super Mario Brothers characters scattered about. The music was fun to dance to and boy did people ever get down!

By 8:00, though, I was completely worn out. Horray for me for having kept my high heel shoes on 90% of the time, though! Of course, the hired photographer will have lots of fabulous pictures for the new Mr. and MRS. Sullivan to keep for a lifetime, but the brother of the bride also took over 300 pictures! I'll snag them from him and upload them tonight for sure. Then tomorrow, if time allows, I'll put them online for you to take a peek.

So now the newlyweds are off to Vegas for their honeymoon this week and will hopefully get to catch up on some well-earned sleep!

How did I hold up after all the "doings?" Let's just say I literally slept ALL DAY yesterday. I got out of bed at 10, ate breakfast, drank my coffee and fell asleep on the sofa until 1. Got up, ate some lunch, let the dogs out and back in again and then slept again until Honey came home at 4. Then I lingered in and out of sleep until dinner and then went to bed and straight to sleep earlier than I normally do and slept straight through the night. Ahhhhh did that feel good! Not quite as sleepy today but my body's still worn out and sore in some places so I'm still HEALING, as Carol would say, since that is my job right now. :) I'm sure th e rest of the family that was involved in planning and participating in the wedding is taking a big deep breath and resting as well!

Congratulations to John and Lindsay Sullivan!

Something I am Happy About

I am so happy that this is not last year. Before the world fell apart.

I'm just getting in the flow of putting the pieces back together again. I'd hate to have to start all over.

:)

How rude am I?

Dang how rude was that last post? I am truly sorry for that. I didn't mean to come across as ungrateful or mean in basically saying, "don't call me I don't want to talk to you." The truth is, I know a couple of you have tried to reach me by phone the past week or so and I haven't answered or returned your calls. I felt that you deserved an explaination. And that's what that last post was supposed to be. In retrospect, though, it sounded awful and I am ashamed of it. For that I sincerely apologize.

I love you guys and I appreciate you all being there for me. Lately I've felt quite lonely simply because I just don't feel well enough to get up off the couch. My dad may say I'm being lazy but that's not true. I am worn out from the chemo and the flu shot and the damn cancer. And in all honesty, that's all that's going on in my life and I'm sick of talking about it! So, if any of you have some spare time in the coming weeks, especially after my Big Nasty on the 29th, and don't mind just coming over to sit and visit, I would love your company! I'd love to see you face to face and hear about your kids or your work or your significant others or your cats or your school work or your pet rocks! I'd love to hear anything but illness, cancer, and "coping." If our converstaions start dwelling too much on me and my illness, I'll let you know and we'll just change the subject! It's that easy!

And for those of you who are out-of-towners who can't just drop by, then send me an email! I love to write (obviously) and I have been known to turn a simple email exchange into a lengthy and ongoing conversation. For example, Maggie and I have been swapping emails about a particular topic, both writing long, expressive paragraphs to each other, for about three weeks now! It does take some getting used to but it's easy once you blur the lines a little. After my last Big Nasty, though, I didn't want to even touch my laptop for a couple of weeks. Maybe that won't be the case this time around but I'm just warning you that right after that I may be making up for lost phone time, if ya know what I mean? :) Of course, I'll have Mr. Honey log in and give ya'll some catch-up posts every few days. And maybe I will be emailing, though not quite as lengthy or quickly as normal.

Otherwise, my phone will be on again next week. I just haven't been in the mood and I wanted to apologize for that. Give me a few more days of being a phone hermit and we'll be back in business!

Thank you for being patient with me. I love you all!

Status

Achy. Sleepy. Sore throat. Dry throat. Itchy back. Sleepy. Runny nose. Sore hands. Did I mention sleepy?

Fortunately, I've been able to work on the bridesmaids jewelry with no problem! It's actually been a lot of fun for me to work with the pieces to make them work right. My only regret is that I procrastinated it for so long. If I remembered how much fun I have making jewelry, I would've done it weeks ago! I've got all the earrings done so far. Today I'll finish the necklaces. And I might tinker around and maybe knock out some bracelets if I feel like it. When I'm done, I'll share a picture of them with you.

So I'm beading, reading, resting, sweating (it's a constant side effect of the chemo; I'm not particularly worried about anything), playing sudoku, watching millions of kitchen renovation shows, and getting out and about in the world almost every evening, with Honey's help.

If you are one of the few people who have called to chat lately and I haven't stayed on the phone long or you just get the answering machine, please let me explain why...
I just don't feel like talking on the phone lately. It's always fun to chat and swap goings on, unless you're in my position and really have nothing but SYMPTOMS going on. Sure I could talk about that...maybe you don't mind. But I do mind. I explain and share my symptoms here on the blog so that I don't have to explain it all over and over to everyone who calls. And truly, there is nothing new to share right now that you don't already know from the blog. Furthermore, I simply don't have the energy the past couple of weeks.

Please do not take offense to the fact that I'm not talking with you much on the phone. Rest assured that I am not just giving you the cold shoulder. In fact, I'm not giving anyone the cold shoulder. I just feel the need to sort of hide out for a little while. Feel free to drop me an email to let me know what's going on in your world; I'd really love to hear about it. I like hearing about other people's lives lately. Those are the sorts of things I can respond to. If you really don't want to catch up with me via the computer, then please have a bit more patience and maybe I'll feel more friendly with the telephone in a week or so. And then, if you want to call me and tell me about what's going on in your world then go ahead and give me a call. I'm just tired of focusing on me and my illness and limitations and symptoms. Give me a few more days. I'll let ya know!

And trust me, if anything new comes up in my world, I will let you know here - you won't miss anything. My blood test last week still showed my liver (and everything else) is working just fine as usual. No new CT scans or other tests until probably December. Right now, though, the only things going on are what I said at the beginning of this post. Plus getting myself pumped for the fun-filled wedding weekend and Lindsay's special day. I am still remaining positive, my pain is under control, my visualizations are still going strong, and I haven't faltered on having HOPE, STRENGTH and COURAGE. So, all is well. :) Thank you for understanding and respecting my need for a little space right now.

B-L-A-H

Chemo + Flu Shot = Blah

Been on the sofa for three days now. Had a fever yesterday but not much of one today, thankfully. Started Neupagen shots this afternoon so hopefully, as my white blood cells regenerate, I'll be back amongst the living by the end of the week!

Mama and Sister: I will talk to you soon, promise. I just haven't felt much like it the past few days. Love you both for understanding though.

Is there such a thing as too much sleep?

What I see...

Let me tell you what I see when I look at Mrs Honey.

I see:

• A tired woman
• Sadness
• Frustration
• Fear
• Twitching (she twitches in her sleep because of the drugs)
  
• Restlessness
• Anxiety
  

But what I see beneath all that:

• A strong woman fighting for her life
• A very intelligent person
• Creativity
• Hope
• The woman I married
• Most important...the woman I love

We have good days.

We have bad days.

But...really...through it all we have eachother. And that is what we need.

Misinformed

Today made me think of one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies:

Claude (in a thick French accent): What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
Rick(an American, cool as a cucumber): My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Claude: The waters? What waters? We're in the middle of a desert!
Rick: I was misinformed.

If you click here you can see the entire scene in which this dialogue takes place.

I, too, was misinformed. I thought I had to be off chemo for about 4 weeks prior to The Big Nasty. Dr. K scheduled me to start another cycle of chemo today but I figured it was just because at the time she scheduled it, we hadn't yet scheduled The Big Nasty. So I saunter in, show her I'm feelin' fine and fantabulous, asked her a few questions about my pain and was ready to saunter on outta there and go see an early movie with my Honey in the afternoon, then meet dad and Carol for a dinner and a play tonight. But ohhhh nooooo. I was soooorely misinformed indeed. Kane assured me that I can be on chemo right up to and directly after The Big Nasty proceedure; although she's assuming I won't much feel like getting more chemo right after The Big Nasty. She said she just didn't feel comfortable leaving my tumor chemo-free for a month before the procedure. To be perfectly honest, neither did I. I had been thinking about this just in the past 24 hours for some reason. It was like a little nugget of the idea suddenly appeared in the deepest parts of my mind last night but I barely gave it any thought...until I saw Dr. K today. Immediately I agreed with her and we tweaked the schedule a little bit so that I don't have to get chemo just two days before Lindsay's wedding. That's some good thinking. So I'll get next week off (and yet I will need to take my neupagen shots again for three days in a row next week). Then I'll return to chemo the week after the wedding and just 5 days before The Big Nasty.

It's already going to be touch-and-go between now and then and I'm afraid come next weekend I may need to take several breaks, cut out of pre-wedding events early, etc. I wonder if I could arrive later than others for the hair and makeup session before we head down to the wedding site? I don't have any hair to style and it takes all of ten seconds to put on and arrange mama's handmade scarfy cap on my head. Although...on second thought...I could really use some professional help in giving the illusion that I have a complete thick pair of my regular eyebrows. I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it next weekend.

The point of all this chaos is to try to keep the tumor at bay. Wouldn't ya know it...after almost a year of hard work and success, I'd take a couple of weeks off (I've done it before and it was safe, right?!) and KABLAMO! It grows some new tumors and begins to spread! I do not feel like taking that chance. But basically it comes down to a choice I had to make: NOT do chemo before the wedding so that I can be 100% in tip-top-shape for Lindsay on her big day or I DO do chemo before the wedding so that the tumor will keep on shrinking as we continue to hit it with the helpful drugs and then KABLAMO! HERE COMES THE BIG NASTY!!! I mean this is only my life we're talking about. That made the decision easy. I love my SIL, I really truly do. But she also has three other bridesmaids who will all be here for all of the weekend events and celebratons. Plus, I'm not the matron of honor so the double duty doesn't rest on my shoulders. If I know her and the rest of my loving inlaws, I think everyone will understand and accept my need for breaks now and then. I won't miss the most important stuff like the bridemaids luncheon, rehersal and rehersal dinner, pictures on wedding day, and ceremony and reception. I know from experience that I need to take times out to regroup and regain my strength and energy so that I can enjoy other, more significant events.

So Dr Kane sort of took me by surprise today and it really disappointed me. I had big plans to do hearty things that require the increased energy I grow every single day since the last chemo two weeks ago! I was going to sand and repaint the top of a dresser I got at the thrift store for $30, run errands to three different beading shops to get the finishing touches for the bridesmaids' jewelry, finish the bridesmaids' jewelry, shop for a clutch and a wrap of some kind in case my arms and shoulders get cold, during the wedding, etc. The list goes on. But now, the list is scaled down. Have Honey run the beading errands with a specific and detailed list of what I need and were to go. Go to one of the beading shops so that I can quickly browse for last minute inspirations. Finish the bridesmaids jewelry. And whatever else I feel up to doing.

So now it's back to one day at a time. More guarding the sofa of daytime intruders. *heavy sigh*
My life is so unpredictable.

I am so blogging about this

so here we are getting CAKE...we were not planning on being here for this today as can be divined by our lack of toys. I am posting this from my iPod touch. The battery will be dying soon and I am not sure what I will do with myself. Honey doesn't have her iPod and my music makes her want to "scratch her eyes out". Oh the humanity. Whatever will we do?

Friends fill the Void

And sometimes, it's friends like Maggie that help me fill the voids I feel in between the aches and pains. I know she wrote this post tonight from the deepest caverns of her ginormous heart. But she also did it to perk me up and remind me that I am loved by other people besides Honey.

She did all that despite the fact that she moved her blog two weeks ago and I didn't even notice until tonight! (I'm blaming chemobrain for that one!) Now that's a sign of a true friend!

Some Days

Some days I feel so alone.

Like all I am is complaints, symptoms, fear, worry, pestering, wasting away.

If it's not one thing it's another with me.

I try to make them stop. I make promises to my love that it'll all be normal once this symptom or that pain goes away.

But it never ever never does.

It's always something.

Somethng that's not me.

So where the hell is me? Where am I?

Besides so totally alone?

Update: Honey got home from work and of course we talked, shed some tears and he put me back together again. He has a way of doing that. 'In sickness and in health,' he reminded me. And we made plans for me to go hang out with him at the office after my appointment tomorrow. Then we can come home together from there. I don't do it often but when I do it's always nice to watch him at work and I don't get in his way (mostly). :)

Ah HA! Caught ya!

This is interesting:

Pinkwasher: (pink’-wah-sher) noun. A company that purports to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon campaign, but manufactures products that are linked to the disease.

Go check out this site Think Before You Pink. I like it. I found out about it on my new (and AWESOME) discussion board site: My Crazy Sexy Life (remember the book Crazy Sexy Cancer?!?!) You can join too if your life has been touched by a cancer survivor (hello, ME!). Only if you're interested in participating, though. If you do join, let me know! :)

Beating the Odds

I've not felt very well over the past three days and when my body feels miserable, my mind and my spirit begin to falter. I think the worst thoughts, dredge up the worst of my fears, and my self-esteem goes straight out the window. But today, so far, I am feeling a lot better and my attitude has improved. I am sweeping the negativity back under the rug where it belongs (so I can stomp on it) and starting to feel positive again. One of my techniques I use to help get myself back on the Positive Attitude Train is I think a lot about statistics and how determined I am to beat the odds. The more I think about that, the more empowered I feel. The more empowered I feel, the more positive my thoughts become. Etc. You get the idea.

So combine all that with reading the Phantom Michael's recent comment in response to my comment in response to his comment (who are you, Michael? Where did you come from? How did you find me? Why are you so kind and understanding and intellectually challenging for my benefit? That's why I call you Phantom Michael!), I found this article he recommended intriguing to say the least. Here's the intro to the article:

Born in 1941, Stephen Jay Gould was a geologist, zoologist, paleontologist and evolutionary biologist at Harvard. He was also one of the most noted, prolific and best-selling scientific writers of our day. He was diagnosed in 1982 with abdominal mesothelioma, a rare and very deadly form of cancer associated with exposure to asbestos. This is his story. It was first published in Discover magazine in June 1985 and was reprinted here at Phoenix5 with his kind permission. He beat the cancer for 20 years, finally passing on May 20, 2002, giving all of us a valuable lesson in beating the odds.

(Click that link above to read the full article.)

Granted, I'm an intelligent person and I typically enjoy things that stimmulate said intelligence. But the way this article was so schollarly written made my chemo-brain do summersaults until it finally collapsed from exhaustion. So I suggest that you do read that article but skim the paragraphs to get his message from each one of them. I mean it. Don't just assume that all he's talking about is statistics and his own personal situation. Oh no. He speaks to all of us, cancer survivors especially, and he helps give me more hope in my ability to beat the odds. A particular paragraph really stood out for me:

If a little learning could ever be a dangerous thing, I had encountered a classic example. Attitude clearly matters in fighting cancer. We don't know why (from my old-style materialistic perspective, I suspect that mental states feed back upon the immune system). But match people with the same cancer for age, class, health, socioeconomic status, and, in general, those with positive attitudes, with a strong will and purpose for living, with commitment to struggle, with an active response to aiding their own treatment and not just a passive acceptance of anything doctors say, tend to live longer. A few months later I asked Sir Peter Medawar, my personal scientific guru and a Nobelist in immunology, what the best prescription for success against cancer might be. "A sanguine personality," he replied. Fortunately (since one can't reconstruct oneself at short notice and for a definite purpose), I am, if anything, even-tempered and confident in just this manner

.And that's what it's all about. Positive attitude. If I were to look into studies and statistics at all, I would seek out those on how attitude affects serious illnesses. I wonder if anyone has done actual studies on such a concept? I've got a couple cancer books that vaguely mention such studies but they don't really give information as to who did it, where or when it was done. I'll search a little bit on the internet now and maybe you will too. If you find anything, please pass it on to me!

And don't forget...I'm still taking suggestions on other cancers for us to become AWARE of during this pink month of pathetic pinkness! So far I only have two suggestions and it's a long month, ya'll - though, I'll probably take the last week of October off since that's when my Big Nasty is to take place. I need some more ideas! Bring it!

Not The ONLY Cancer

Welcome to October. The Pink Month. Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Now, I truly hope that I don't offend anyone with this post but it's been creeping up on me and I need to get my thoughts out about it. I know several of you dear readers have recently fought breast cancer and I apologize in advance if this post hurts your feelings. It is not at all my intention to do that.

I do care about breast cancer very much. My grandma died of it 15 years ago and a couple of my dearest friends have had it (and thankfully beat it!). I am amazed at and thankful for the strides the medical community has made in researching, treating and curing breast cancer over the years. I believe that, despite her old age, if my grandma had breast cancer in today's world rather than over a decade ago, she'd have a good chance of surviving it. I'm all for the Race for the Cure and I've always participated in Yoplait's Caps for the Cure, too. But it hurts my feelings when I see beautiful CANCER SURVIVOR jewelry in a catalog that I want for myself until I see the pink bead or pink ribbon on it, which, to me, restricts its strength only for breast cancer survivors.

Having said all of that, though, it disgusts me that an entire month is devoted solely to breast cancer. Everywhere you'll look this month everything will be pink pink PINK. Not that I mind the color, obviously, but it irritates me to no end that breast cancer gets all this special attention while all the other serious cancers get swept under the rug. Someone on one of my cancer chat boards informed me that September was National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. How many of you knew that? And how many of you know what color the Ovarian Cancer ribbon is? It's teal. I had no idea.

So why the special attention to breast cancer? why does it seem to trump all the others lately? Please don't tell me it has anything to do with the typical American man's obsession with women's breasts! That can't be the only reason, can it?

Whatever the reason, it hurts my feelings now that I have cancer and it's not the pretty pink ribboned one. It took a lot of digging through the internet and comparing average answers to find out what color my ribbon is (it's green). But I'm not sure cholangiocarcinoma has it's own month to be aware of it. Actually, there are so many different kinds of cancers out there, a simple twelve months isn't nearly enough to devote a single month to each of them.

So here's what I suggest: Instead of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, how bout we make it All Cancer Awareness Month?! Ideally, we should all be aware of cancer every month of the year but I can understand how it can get overwhelming for the average person whose -by some miracle- life is not touched by cancer. So I'd settle for one month. Don't specify a cancer. Don't single one out in particular. Let's not pick favorites just because the ribbon is pretty. I do know that different cancers act and grow differently from others. Especially where breast cancer is concerened. I don't know much about breast cancer but I do know that it's horemonally based, unlike my cancer which happens to not be connected to my horemones. So, by that rationale, it's probably treated quite differently than my cancer is, as are probably several other types of cancers. But can't we do a Race for the Cure for ALL cancers this month? Have multi-colored caps on yogurts to represent the myriad of cancers affecting millions of people around the world?

That just gave me a great idea! All this month, instead of "celebrating" breast cancer awareness, I'll introduce you all (as well as myself) to a variety of other types of cancers affecting the people we know and love. I do a bit of initial research on a particular type and we'll all learn about them together on here. I can't commit to a different one each day but I'll at least try to get two out a week, how bout that? It turns our heads away from the pink propoganda and towards the others whose ribbons we know nothing about. Hey, it's a start, right?

Let's start this way: leave me a comment telling me about a different kind of cancer someone you know is currently or has been fighting. Or, if you feel more comfortable telling me in private, click here to email me your story. I'll take my cues from you, if I get enough of them. For example, you'll tell me your cousin has a brain tumor. If you know the specific name of the diagnosis (like mine is cholangiocarcinoma aka liver cancer) tell me that too. Then I'll look up some brief but educational information about it and post it on this blog. Then, all of a sudden, we will all BE AWARE of another type of cancer. Afterall, knowledge is power!

What do you say? Drop me a line and let's get started!