Misinformed

Today made me think of one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies:

Claude (in a thick French accent): What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
Rick(an American, cool as a cucumber): My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Claude: The waters? What waters? We're in the middle of a desert!
Rick: I was misinformed.

If you click here you can see the entire scene in which this dialogue takes place.

I, too, was misinformed. I thought I had to be off chemo for about 4 weeks prior to The Big Nasty. Dr. K scheduled me to start another cycle of chemo today but I figured it was just because at the time she scheduled it, we hadn't yet scheduled The Big Nasty. So I saunter in, show her I'm feelin' fine and fantabulous, asked her a few questions about my pain and was ready to saunter on outta there and go see an early movie with my Honey in the afternoon, then meet dad and Carol for a dinner and a play tonight. But ohhhh nooooo. I was soooorely misinformed indeed. Kane assured me that I can be on chemo right up to and directly after The Big Nasty proceedure; although she's assuming I won't much feel like getting more chemo right after The Big Nasty. She said she just didn't feel comfortable leaving my tumor chemo-free for a month before the procedure. To be perfectly honest, neither did I. I had been thinking about this just in the past 24 hours for some reason. It was like a little nugget of the idea suddenly appeared in the deepest parts of my mind last night but I barely gave it any thought...until I saw Dr. K today. Immediately I agreed with her and we tweaked the schedule a little bit so that I don't have to get chemo just two days before Lindsay's wedding. That's some good thinking. So I'll get next week off (and yet I will need to take my neupagen shots again for three days in a row next week). Then I'll return to chemo the week after the wedding and just 5 days before The Big Nasty.

It's already going to be touch-and-go between now and then and I'm afraid come next weekend I may need to take several breaks, cut out of pre-wedding events early, etc. I wonder if I could arrive later than others for the hair and makeup session before we head down to the wedding site? I don't have any hair to style and it takes all of ten seconds to put on and arrange mama's handmade scarfy cap on my head. Although...on second thought...I could really use some professional help in giving the illusion that I have a complete thick pair of my regular eyebrows. I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it next weekend.

The point of all this chaos is to try to keep the tumor at bay. Wouldn't ya know it...after almost a year of hard work and success, I'd take a couple of weeks off (I've done it before and it was safe, right?!) and KABLAMO! It grows some new tumors and begins to spread! I do not feel like taking that chance. But basically it comes down to a choice I had to make: NOT do chemo before the wedding so that I can be 100% in tip-top-shape for Lindsay on her big day or I DO do chemo before the wedding so that the tumor will keep on shrinking as we continue to hit it with the helpful drugs and then KABLAMO! HERE COMES THE BIG NASTY!!! I mean this is only my life we're talking about. That made the decision easy. I love my SIL, I really truly do. But she also has three other bridesmaids who will all be here for all of the weekend events and celebratons. Plus, I'm not the matron of honor so the double duty doesn't rest on my shoulders. If I know her and the rest of my loving inlaws, I think everyone will understand and accept my need for breaks now and then. I won't miss the most important stuff like the bridemaids luncheon, rehersal and rehersal dinner, pictures on wedding day, and ceremony and reception. I know from experience that I need to take times out to regroup and regain my strength and energy so that I can enjoy other, more significant events.

So Dr Kane sort of took me by surprise today and it really disappointed me. I had big plans to do hearty things that require the increased energy I grow every single day since the last chemo two weeks ago! I was going to sand and repaint the top of a dresser I got at the thrift store for $30, run errands to three different beading shops to get the finishing touches for the bridesmaids' jewelry, finish the bridesmaids' jewelry, shop for a clutch and a wrap of some kind in case my arms and shoulders get cold, during the wedding, etc. The list goes on. But now, the list is scaled down. Have Honey run the beading errands with a specific and detailed list of what I need and were to go. Go to one of the beading shops so that I can quickly browse for last minute inspirations. Finish the bridesmaids jewelry. And whatever else I feel up to doing.

So now it's back to one day at a time. More guarding the sofa of daytime intruders. *heavy sigh*
My life is so unpredictable.