No No Chemo

Didn't get chemo today cause my numbers were just barely too low. It's those darned platelets again: 89,000 but she won't infuse under 100K. But that's alright with me since we were already considering changing to a three-week schedule instead of the current two-week deal. So next week I'll load 'em up, head back to UCH and give it another try! (I came home and took my nap anyway!)

Dr. Kane looked tired, sad and worn down. Her hair was kind of stringy, eyes puffy...she looked like she was barely keeping it together. I don't blame her, poor woman just lost her husband! I wanted to hug her a lot but we kept it professional and just shook hands and shared kind, empathetic words. She's not back to full time at the clinic but she said if I had any questions to keep emailing her and she will respond.

Whatever did I do without a day hooked up to a bunch of liquid medication bags, you say? Well, I took that little nap I referenced to earlier, and then we made our 6-month trip to WalMart! Pete's in the room with me, working on the Wii Active "game" he just brought home and Scarlett is convinced it's a game and he is doing repeated squats because he must want her pink fluffy bone toy! Now she's sitting behind him watching curiously as he's running in place like the game told him to! Poor thing doesn't know the difference between "working out" and "playing!" LOL

Tonight my BF Maggie is doing her Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society in Gardner, Kansas! We had originally planned on driving out to surprise and join her again like last year but with this crazy and undependable chemotherapy schedule of mine, I was unable to actually do it. Boo. She's done an awesome job personally collecting donations towards her goal of $1000. If you haven't but still want to, I bet you can still donate or purchase a luminaria (I bought 4 I think!) via her RFL site! Go for it! And, in the meantime, YOU ROCK, MAGGIE! YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB FOR A SUPER CAUSE!!!!!!

Highlands Ranch (where I live...don't stalk me, please) is hosting their 25th Relay for Life on the 24th of July and another friend of mine is involved in the coordination and planning. Since it's local and not a chemo-weekend, Pete and I are planning on going, at least for a while. If you're in the area and would like to join us, let me know so I can let her know and we'll find out how and where to meet! If I get more info, I'll pass it onto you, as it gets closer.

Tomorrow afternoon we're going to a Rockies game! Hopefully, I won't melt into a puddle of sweat! :)

What are your weekend plans?

My Daddy

My Daddy is the best in the whole wide world! And not even on Father's Day but EVERY DAY!

(He says I'm his favorite daughter/child/little girl which is funny for a second since I am his only child! So then sometimes I say he's the best dad I ever had! I am totally my father's daughter!)


Like today: he came over and we sat in and enjoyed my/our garden (it's in my yard but he and Carol did most of the work prepping, digging, cussing and planting earlier in the spring!). Today we tried to figure out what little critter is eating so much of some of my plants' leaves that they end up looking like delicate pieces of lace when they're through with them. Then we went to ACE Hardware (when do we ever not go there?!) and got some necessities to spruce up and protect the garden for the rest of the season.

And he's funny, too!

And these two are cut from the same cloth!


And smart! He's a member of Mensa, you know?

He has lots of love for this lady!


And he loves all kinds of animals (and 60 acres of land and animals of all kinds to prove it!)!

He's just the best! I thought you should know. And now you do.

Go forth and prosper.

Unleash

I just got an email from a dear long-time friend, in which she says, "You have a lot of strength and determination to unleash." I needed that reminder today, I really did. And that was the first time I've had the word "unleash" used in this context. It makes me think of that scene in Lord of the Rings (Fellowship of the Ring) when Gandalf is struggling to hold on tight to the crumbling stone bridge in the Mines of Moriah, all of a sudden, from the firey depths below, the Balrog (was it his tail? and arm? some other strange appendage?) reaches up almost gracefully and, like a whip, grabs a tight hold on Gandalf and yanks him down into the hellish abyss. The action of the Balrog right at that moment is what I think of when I read the word "unleash."

Sure, it's a greusome scene and although you don't actually see the full body or even the face of the Balrog, you can just tell by the scene from which he reaches up for Gandalf, that it is a terrible and powerful creature...so much so that not even Gandalf can keep him at bay (at least not at this part of the story!). One might think I've got it backwards; that the Balrog would represent the tumor and Gandalf stands for me. That would make perfect sense on the surface. But dig deeper and you can see how I see it. If I am to be the stronger one, the one with such power, conviction and might that I can defeat anything (again, even Gandalf the Gray), wouldn't I then choose to play the role of the Balrog in this scene? It's unfortunate to think of Gandalf as the cancerous tumor but just humor me for a moment as I do... Gandalf is powerful, too, with his unfathomable sorcery and strength, especially for such a lanky old man. Nobody knows, really, how he does it but he has been able to fight off many dangers in his unusually long life. Isn't that sort of like this tumor? It shrank a little in the begining but lately, no matter how much I drown it in the poison that is chemotherapy, it seems almost impenetrable and incredibly strong.

With all that said, of course I choose to be the more powerful one, the Balrog from the deep, because deep down within me, in the abyss who's floor not even I can imagine, I have the power to unleash upon this Gandalfian tumor and destroy it. Please, let's not go any further with the story in this scenario - we can only pretend that Gandalf's the bad guy (tumor) here for just so long! And most of you know the true fate of Gandalf the Gray (or is it White?).

All of this pondering, pretending and yammering has brought me to this simple point that I wanted to make in the first place: I have some really fantastic friends in my world.

I want to thank every one of you for being my friend. I feel your prayers and thoughts among me and they give me strength. Those of you who are local and have brough meals by and stayed for even a short visit have CURED the virtually endless loneliness that I once felt! Some others of you send cards with simple notes just reminding me that you love me or to just give me something to chuckle at. And the rest of you send me thoughts and, sometimes, emails just so I know that you're out there thinking of me and pulling along with me through this long and arduous journey.

Early on in this journey, I began referring to all my treatments, appointments and challenges in the third person. Instead of saying, "I have an appointment," I'd say, "We have an appointment." Etc. etc. You get the picture. I did this in an attempt to convince myself that when Pete says, "I'm right here with you every step of the way. You are not alone." he really, truly means it. And it has worked, believe me!

And I just want to let you all know that I know that you're right here with us, too! Not only pulling and praying, advocating and supporting, but you're fighting and worrying right along with us. Sometimes we forget but often times we remember that you're here with us in spirit, one way or another. And together we'll all get through this.

Now, a brief but meaningful message to my liver: COME ON, BUDDY!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOU CAN PUSH IT AWAY SO THAT WE CAN REALLY HELP YOU GET RID OF THAT INTRUDER!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!

Stuff You Probably Want to Know

Home from Houston. The travel was smooth and easy, despite my chemo woes. It's the day or so after returning back home that've been hard on my ole' body.

Dr. Curley visit was fairly uneventful.
Everything's the same. Nothing new. No growing, no spreading. No shrinking, either. Everything's just the same same same.

Where do we go from here?
We go back to UCH, look over the newest scans and blood work with Dr. Kane and work with her on the next steps forward.

I have an appointment to meet with her next Friday (7/10), as long as she's back to work after the death of her husband.

There's lots to be thankful for here and yet we can't help but feel frustration at the same time, too!

Moving forward...

It's Coming, the Fear - Despite the Makeup Mask

Tomorrow's the day we see Dr. Curley. My fear has been quite low since we've been here, thanks to multiple distractions, lots of sleep and some helpful prescriptions that keeps the fear at bay. The blood draw was fine (I stood out in the hallway instead of the scary overly-filled waiting room of all those sick-looking people), Xray was easy (I got to help some new patients figure out how things work back in the dressing/waiting rooms and explained to them that the opening always goes to the back!), and the barium-chug and CT scan was even no big deal. I felt separated from it all. Like it wasn't me who was actually there doing it. Well, I knew it was me who was there going through the motions but I just didn't get myself way too involved in the procceses so as to keep from being too fearful. Whatever I did, it worked.
Today I mostly slept. Pete and Carol went out and about to shop for a couple of necessities while I snoozed the day away in the comfy bed that feels like a cloud! Tonight we met Bill and Auntie Deborah at a great pizza place here in town and just got back to the hotel from a wonderful visit with them!

What I neglected to bring up throughout this afternoon's happenings is how the fear is creeping up on me. I know there's nothing I can do about the outcome now...at least, no more than I could have done ever before even! And I'm thankful we worked through each step of this trip with my therapist in analyzing my fluctuating anxiety levels and what to do about them.

But the one thing we neglected to address was what to do AFTER we get WHATEVER news from Curley!!!! Is that when it'll be safe to exahle and maybe take another new breath? Am I supposed to immediately get on line and on the phone to let everyone know that new status of this tumor before even I have had a chance to absorb it? We'll have checked out of our hotel room, I know that already, so running back to the fluffy bed only to curl up in a pitiful ball for a few hours of good old fashioned self-pity is not an option! Fortunately, we're heading to the airport at 2ish to make our 5ish flight (have to return car, etc).

Besides all that and all this fancy talk....

I'm f*ing scared about what he's going to say to me.

"Well, nothing's changed in these three months."
or
"Well, I didn't see what I wanted to see on the images. There are new tumors in there."
or
"Well, you're S.O.L. so why don't you just go on home now?"

OMG. What am I to do?!?

I know this panic is temporary and actually it's under control with what all I've learned in therapy over the years (and especially the last couple of months with Barbara). I know everyone's praying for me and sending me good thoughts and I got an email from my oncologist in Denver saying that she'll never give up on me and that there are always different options to pursue back at home (which I often forget).

Regardless...

I'm shaking inside. I want to crawl into a ball in bed and not pack and not worry but just lie there and sleep or cry or zone out on my DS or anything.

Just make it over already. All this anticipation is too much for me. Let's just get it out there and move on.

Just don't give up on me, doctors. Please don't ever say I'm out of options!